Blurry Vision

I’m normally very bored at work.  There’s just not enough work.  And while I should be happy about that, I don’t like being bored.  I don’t function well when I’m bored.  My thoughts usually start to wander into the darkness.  I try to avoid that as much as I can.  I spend my days reading articles and looking through pictures.  And I’m pretty good at wasting the day away.  But today, I had a moment, where I actually had to acknowledge the truth.

I was mindlessly looking through tumblr and saw a pic that said, “I just want to feel pretty.”  I read it as, “I just want to feel empty.”

When I realized it, I kinda chuckled.  At first.  I mean, I’m going through a period of some not so good/nice digestive issues, so it is kinda funny.  But then I realized that I kinda did this last string of issues to myself.  I know what the consequences are (well, at least I think I know.  I’m still in the “trial and error” phase), but I really didn’t care.  Still kinda don’t.

About a month ago, I was ready, willing, and able to admit I was in the midst of a relapse.  I knew what I was dealing with was more than a slip.  I was intentionally restricting, bingeing, and purging.  I knew this.  And I knew (know) it never leads anywhere good.  But somewhere between admitting being in a relapse and my next therapy appointment, I was back on the denial boat.

For the most part, I’ve been honest with my therapist about my “behavior usage.” (UGH!  I hate that term.  I hate “symptoms,” even more.)  But I’ve probably withheld exactly how much I’m struggling.  It’s not right, but it’s what I do.

Besides, I can handle it.  Right?  Right.  Well, maybe not.

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