The Numbers Game

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One of the first things I do each morning is step on the scale and record my weight.  I’ve done this for the better part of 12 years.  And it’s probably been a positive thing for the majority of those 12 years.  It was a reality check.  I could look at the number and see it was basically the same as the day before.  So in reality, eating the ice cream (sandwich/dinner/extra cookie/etc.) did not make me magically gain 15 pounds overnight.  I had the proof right in front of me.  And as much as I may have wanted to, I can’t dispute the proof.

But since the start of this relapse, getting on the scale has been much more ritualized.  I get up.  I play on my phone for 10-15 minutes.  I go to the bathroom.  I take EVERYTHING off, including my rings and any stray hairs that might cause the scale to not tip in my favor. I step on the scale.  I close my eyes and breathe until I hear it beep.  I look down.  I step off.  I record my weight on my phone.  I curse myself because the number isn’t magically 15 pounds lower.  I step in the shower and try to wash away the nastiness.  Rinse and repeat again tomorrow.

I get so upset if the number isn’t lower than the previous day.  I spend the majority of the day trying to figure out where I can restrict my intake a bit more and not have my husband notice.  Or if I want to punish myself for a particularly ugly number, I’ll have some dairy.  It does the same thing as laxatives, without the laxatives.  (And this way I can honestly say I’m not taking laxatives.  Look how I can rationalize anything…  ::rolls eyes::)

Now, if for some reason, the number is lower than the day before, I just stand there in disbelief.  I get on the scale again to double check.  When it’s still the same, I logically tell myself that, “It’s just water weight,” “Don’t be too happy with it,” and the ever popular, “You could have lost more.”  But I’ll have a small smile on my face when I record the number.  A small part of me is proud the number went down.

It’s never enough though.  I want the number to be lower still.  And probably even lower than that.

But for right now, I’ll settle for tomorrow’s number being lower than today’s.

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