One of the first things I do each morning is step on the scale and record my weight. I’ve done this for the better part of 12 years. And it’s probably been a positive thing for the majority of those 12 years. It was a reality check. I could look at the number and see it was basically the same as the day before. So in reality, eating the ice cream (sandwich/dinner/extra cookie/etc.) did not make me magically gain 15 pounds overnight. I had the proof right in front of me. And as much as I may have wanted to, I can’t dispute the proof.
But since the start of this relapse, getting on the scale has been much more ritualized. I get up. I play on my phone for 10-15 minutes. I go to the bathroom. I take EVERYTHING off, including my rings and any stray hairs that might cause the scale to not tip in my favor. I step on the scale. I close my eyes and breathe until I hear it beep. I look down. I step off. I record my weight on my phone. I curse myself because the number isn’t magically 15 pounds lower. I step in the shower and try to wash away the nastiness. Rinse and repeat again tomorrow.
I get so upset if the number isn’t lower than the previous day. I spend the majority of the day trying to figure out where I can restrict my intake a bit more and not have my husband notice. Or if I want to punish myself for a particularly ugly number, I’ll have some dairy. It does the same thing as laxatives, without the laxatives. (And this way I can honestly say I’m not taking laxatives. Look how I can rationalize anything… ::rolls eyes::)
Now, if for some reason, the number is lower than the day before, I just stand there in disbelief. I get on the scale again to double check. When it’s still the same, I logically tell myself that, “It’s just water weight,” “Don’t be too happy with it,” and the ever popular, “You could have lost more.” But I’ll have a small smile on my face when I record the number. A small part of me is proud the number went down.
It’s never enough though. I want the number to be lower still. And probably even lower than that.
But for right now, I’ll settle for tomorrow’s number being lower than today’s.