Let the Countdown Begin

Six hours until I have therapy.  Lots to talk about this week.  My anxiety is way above normal and too persistent and consistent. The eating disorder is getting harder and harder to fight.  Although, I think that one is related to the anxiety.  And I’m probably not fighting the eating disordered thoughts as much as I can.  I think I’ve been dissociating a bit more than usual.  It just gets harder as the weather warms up.

Eight hours until I’m home.

Nine hours before I can escape everything and go to sleep.

Twenty-eight hours before I can officially start my weekend.  Not that I have anything planned.  I rarely plan anything for the weekends.  Friends stopped asking me to do something because I would either say, “No,” or decide to not show up.  This is what happens when I can barely focus on something outside my eating disorder.  For the past 5 months, my weekend plans have been the same–get up, watch TV from the DVR, and see how little I can eat.  And because I’m not eating, I don’t have the energy to do anything.  So I continue to sit on the sofa, watch TV, and not eat.

One week until my interview. The organization where I’ve wanted to work for the past 6 years has an opening.  And I have an interview.  I can’t wait!  I’m so excited for this opportunity.  Not that I’m not grateful for my current job, because I am.  I just want to be doing something more with my life.  I want a career, not just a job.  And this position would be perfect for me.  I’ve known the CEO for 6 years and she knows the quality of work I do.  I just haven’t let myself get too excited.  I haven’t really told anyone either.  Just my family, husband, and best friend.  I don’t need the word to get out until I have an official offer.  I just hope it’s good.

Ten days until I treat myself to an unusually delicious brunch.

Six weeks until my family comes for a visit. My grandmother and dad are coming.  I can’t wait to see them.  I haven’t seen them since my wedding last November.  And even then, I really didn’t get to spend much time with them.  So this will be so, so nice.  Even though I’ll be working, I’m going to make time to spend with my grandmother.  She is an amazing woman.  I’m also kinda hoping this will help give me the kick out of the relapse I need.  There’s nothing like grandmother’s love.


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