I feel there’s something caught in my throat.  Like there’s something that needs to get out, but it can’t.

It’s trapped.

I feel trapped.

I feel I’ve been stuck in this place for years.  When in reality, I haven’t.  I’ve been worse.  I’ve been better.  I’ve been the same.  I can see I’ve been in this relapse since December.  I was able to recognize this is a relapse since February.  At that point in time, I should have been able to slow down the relapse.  I should have been able to take steps to put on the brakes, turn, and start going towards recovery again.  It’s possible.  I’ve done it before.  But I didn’t.  I just kept going.  I let the thoughts overtake my mine.  I binged.  I purged.  I restricted.  Without really wanting to stop.

I know what I’m supposed to do.  I know how to eat and what I’m supposed to eat.  I know how to use alternate coping skills to put speed bumps in my thinking so I can slow down.  I know how to reach out and talk to friends, my husband, or my therapist.  I know that secrets just feed the disorder.  I logically know all those things.  I just can’t follow through on doing them.

Even though my eating disorder really doesn’t work for me anymore and I don’t feel the relief (high) I used to, I still think that maybe this next time will make me feel better.  But it doesn’t.  I try to figure out was what “off” so I can get the relief again.  I just want to feel that peace I once did.  even if just for a few seconds.  Please?

The healthy part of me is there too.  Just barely a whisper, but there.  It’s the part saying, “Next time, call a friend, talk to your husband, knit.  Do anything but what the eating disorder tell you to do.”  It’s the part that propels me into therapy and to talk.  It’s the part that helps keep me going.  It’s the part that knows how wonderful life is in recovery.  It’s the part that’s trying to get back there.

I just can’t seem to move forward.

I can’t seem to take the necessary step towards health.

I just can’t.

And I don’t why it’s that much harder this time around.


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