My husband and I keep very different hours. He’s more of a night owl and I’m more of a morning person. I like waking up early and having the apartment to myself. It’s nice being in the quiet. I can think or get some stuff done. Regardless, I feel like it’s my time and it’s part of my routine to keep me calm and sane. And for the same reason, I’m sure my husband likes the late night hours for the same reasons.
But this past week, my husband has been going to bed early and up early with me. I’ve really appreciated it this past week because my anxiety has been so high. It’s helped calm me down. This has also crept in to the weekend. And while I love spending time with him, I’ve missed my quiet time. It’s just not the same.
I’m more conscious of what I do, what I watch on tv, how I react, even how I sit. My husband is sensitive and I love that part about him. Him being honest and vulnerable makes me want to open up and be just as open and vulnerable. However, he also takes things I do or say very personally when I never met it like that in the first place. And when he takes it personally, he gets quiet and shuts me out. I try to explain, but I get silence. And that really doesn’t make me want to open up to him.
I feel like there’s a fine line between him wanting me to be authentic and what he’s actually willing to accept. As long as I fit into the box he’s defined for me, then it’s okay to express myself. As long as I have “problems” that require me needing him, then it’s okay. If I’m upset or hurt by something he feels is small, then I’m overreacting or my feeling are silly. But they’re true to me.
The feelings are true for me.
True for me.
Then I feel guilty about having those feelings in the first place, so I just swallow them down. The wall goes up and I numb myself. No feelings. It makes things easier. At least for the time being.
I use those weekend mornings to help me process those feelings. I can figure out what is important to me and what I can get over. I don’t get that time when he’s up. And I don’t know how I can say I need that time.
Maybe it’s just better not to feel.