Boiling Point

I’m angry.

I am ANGRY.

Get that?

I AM ANGRY!!!!!

I don’t know how many times I have to say it before some get it?

Not only are there specific things that I’m angry about, I’m also angry that I’m not allowed to be angry.  Well, not for very long anyway.  There’s always a time limit on whatever “negative” emotions I have.  That’s not fair.

I feed on anger instead of food.

Did everyone get that?

There’s no room for food when I’m full of anger.

I’m full of anger because I rarely let any of it out.  I just swallow it down.

I hurt people with my anger.  I scare myself with my anger.

I would rather avoid it.  But in doing so, I just end up hurting myself even more.  I restrict to numb myself.  I would rather feeling nothing than feel… anything.  When the feelings come, they are just so intense.  I don’t know how to conduct myself.  It’s almost as if they paralyze me.  I stop in my tracks.  I can’t think.  It’s all a jumble.

I just want it to go away.

It doesn’t though.  It briefly steps back into the shadow, waiting for another time to appear.

And it does.

I get angry.  Yell.  Cry.  Get some of it out.  Swallow it back down.  And I go through this cycle so many times.  Over and over and over again.  It’s exhausting.

My husband doesn’t like it when I’m angry, especially when it’s directed to him.  I can understand that.  However, if I don’t start acting like myself in what he considers to be an appropriate time period, then I’m overreacting and being silly.  So why would I allow myself to feel anything if I’m just going to get put down for it?  But if he’s hurt or angry, he can take all the time he wants to and I don’t get get say anything about it.  Where’s the fair in that?

I know.  I know.  Life isn’t fair.  I’m not expecting for life to be fair.  I just want my marriage to be fair.

I want to be angry for however long I want.  I don’t want to have to swallow my feelings anymore.  I want to be able to express my feelings in a healthy way and live in the moment.  I want to enjoy life.

I don’t want to be numb anymore.

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