The Express Train Around my Brain

I am really, really, REALLY anxious right now.  I’m not too sure why.  I think that’s what frustrates me most about having having anxiety and panic attacks.  I rarely know the reasoning behind it.  It just comes at me.  My legs start to tingle and I feel like I’m going to pass out.  (Well, I think that’s what about to pass out feels like.  I never have, thankfully.)

My thoughts just race around.  I really can’t hang on to one long enough to make sense of it or think about it deeper because another one quickly speeds through to take its place.

I don’t mind so much if this happens when I’m home.  I know exactly what to do.  Get out my phone and play games.  Tie my hair back.  Turn on all the lights.  Make it as cool as I can.  Watch mindless TV.  It works.  I sometimes takes some time, but it works.

If it happens when I’m out, I have to look realistically at the situation.  If I’m on the way to work or the way home from wherever, then I just keep on that journey.  Knowing that I’ll get a reprieve soon, helps.  But if I’m just out for fun, then I’ll almost immediately go back home.  I feel safer doing that.

The tricky time is when I’m at work.  I can’t exactly leave (although, I’m pretty sure if I explained it to my boss, she would let me go home), but I’m not exactly present enough to get real work done.  I have to distract myself enough to get through the anxiety, but not so much that I dissociate completely.  That’s a hard line not to cross.

Even harder is not succumbing to the eating disorder thoughts.  Just now I really had to push myself to eat lunch.  I had to take a break in the middle.  But eating when the anxiety is this high just doesn’t feel good.

It’s just really hard.

And the more this is happening, the more I’m realizing that going back on meds will probably be a good idea.  Maybe I’ll just be one of those people who has to be on meds for a while, every couple of years or so.  I’m totally okay with that.  I will green light anything that makes me feel better.

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