I have a hard time letting go of things that mean something to me. Whether it be a scrap of paper with a quote or a hastily written note or a meaningful gift from a dear friend–I want to keep it because of the memory or emotion it holds. I still have cards from friends I had 10-12 years ago. Even though we haven’t been in touch, their memory holds a special place in my heart. These things also as a buoy when I’ve had extremely difficult time. The positivity that encompasses these memories outweighs and outshines the bad
(scary) feelings. That’s irreplaceable and priceless.
I also hold on too tightly to the negative. I can replay the scenarios over and over again just to punish myself; sometimes wishing I had done things differently. It’s just another thing to add to the list of “bad” things I’m to blame for. Certain lost friendships, other decisions, etc. Because I am a “horrible” person, them it’s always my fault. Even when there’s no way it’s actually my fault.
I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that bad things happened to me that I didn’t have control over. It wasn’t/isn’t my fault. NOT my fault.
And I’m trying even harder to wrap my head around the idea that talking about these things in therapy is going to help. I fully see that not talking about these things has really gotten me nowhere. The eating disorder has robbed me of really living a full life. I’m scared that talking about these things is going to give them life. Right now, I understand that something happened. But talking about it is going to make it real real. That’s a scary thought.