One of my biggest fears is that I am responsible for my digestive issues; that even though I stopped taking diuretics and laxatives 10 years ago, the damage from the pills and other eating disorder behaviors has been done and it’s all finally catching up to me now. I was afraid of that the colonoscopy and endoscopy would show the effects of years punishing my body. But there was nothing. Everything was normal. I tried a lactose free diet. Then a wheat free diet. Then both. Nothing helped.
Part of me was relieved–I didn’t cause it. The other part was frustrated. Even if it was me, I wanted an answer as to why my stomach was having such issues. I wanted to be able to work on a solution.
(i wanted proof that i really was/am sick, then it would be okay to get treatment.) But there’s been no reason for it. Luckily, the digestives issues aren’t every day, like they were at the beginning of the year, but it’s still bothersome. It’s annoying to always have to know where a bathroom is because I might need it on short notice.
I’ve been in contact with my gastroenterologist, but there’s nothing to be done until my insurance approves the capsule endoscopy. Well, technically he did say I could take Pepto Bismol, but I can’t stomach that stuff.
All of this just plays into my eating disorder. I don’t want to eat because I’m just going to end up in the bathroom 20 minutes later. And I really shouldn’t eat that much anyway because I’d rather be losing weight. But I’m sure that I’ve messed up my metabolism so much that I’ve barely lost any weight since the beginning of the year. I hate that. I want to recover from my eating disorder, but I don’t want to gain any weight.