I’m going to be really honest here and say that right now, I’d like nothing more that to focus on losing weight–however that may be. It’s true. It’s the thought that plagues me the majority of the time I’m awake. I’m constantly thinking about restricting and how much I think i could get away with. I do let the number on the scale dictate what kind of day I’m going to have. I’m not too keen on solving my digestive issues because every little bit helps. My scope of vision is really tiny. All I see are numbers and fat and weight. All I care about is doing whatever I have to/can do to get the number on the scale lower. It’s a fairly sad existence. (I would say “life,” but I’m not really living.)
I need to change my stance. I need to change my viewpoint.
Quite honestly, I know I can’t accept a new job or start school with these thoughts still going through my head. But it’s so hard to change my way of thinking and the habits. I know small changes are good and are a step in the right direction, but every small change seems huge and daunting.
There’s the decision to choose recovery.
I feel that I can’t stay in this limbo for much longer. It’s not that I need to pick a side–I just need to actively choose recovery every day and make recovery minded decisions. I need to start aiming towards recovery.
I’m not naive. I know that I will have slips and make mistakes and sometimes lose my way, but as long I’m still moving forward, then it’s okay.
Or I can stay actively engaging in the eating disorder. But we all know that doesn’t really lead anywhere. I can stay just sitting here at my job, not really doing much of anything. Bored out of my mind. And complaining about it.
I know what I need to do. But following through on it is a different matter completely. I am literally standing in my own way. For some reason, I just can’t make the healthy decision.
maybe it’s because i don’t deserve it.