Play. Stop. Rewind. Repeat

I tend to numb myself out so I don’t have to feel.

And I’ll distract myself so I don’t have to think.

But it’s not enough sometimes.

Sometimes I can still see her lying there, not moving.

I’ll read or watch something online or on TV.  I’ll talk with my grandmother.  I’ll play a game on my phone.  I’ll do anything to occupy my thoughts.  But then–BANG!  I see the picture in my head as clear as day.  I reply the incident over and over and over again.

The vision came in my dreams a few nights after it happened.  Since then, I’ll try to do anything to tire myself out so much that I can be so exhausted, it won’t be in my dreams.  I’m really anxious during the day anyway, so that helps with the exhaustion.  I’m not sleeping well.  And we all know that doesn’t help the anxiety.  (It’s a blessing and a curse right now.)

I’ve never really been in a situation like this before.

I’m not sure when I’ll start to feel “normal” again.

Do the images start to fade?

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Play. Stop. Rewind. Repeat

  1. They can. It depends. Although what we tend to do is to avoid the thoughts and feelings (as you are doing), sometimes that means the intrusions continue to come longer than they otherwise would. Learning strategies to calm down while the images are there can help.

    Take care.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s