Knowing my Worth

My head is an interesting place to be.  Most days, I don’t think I’m worth very much; that I’m just a piece of lard that hasn’t done anything, isn’t doing anything, and won’t do anything.  I’m really hard on myself.  I know what I’m capable of.  But I also know what is acceptable/passable by society.  So, why do more than just that?  Because there are only a few scenarios in which “doing more” is appreciated.  (I put in quotes because what society considers doing more is what I consider a normal amount.)

I know I’m a bit of a perfectionist.  I know I like to have a lot to do.  That’s when I feel truly useful.  So when I don’t feel like I’m working at my full potential, I don’t feel useful.  It’s just the way I’m wired.

However, after all that, I can say with confidence that I do good work.  I know I can turn out a good product.  I know I’m professional.  If I don’t know something, I’ll ask.  Not for someone else to do it, but so I’ll be able to do it next time.  I know I’m diligent in my work.  I don’t want to turn in anything with errors.  I’ll triple check my work.  And if I’m still unsure, I’ll make sure my boss knows this.  I don’t say no to my boss until I’ve tried something 10 times and I still can’t get it.  I like working hard.  It gives me a sense of satisfaction.

Which is why it was so very disappointing when I heard the salary being offered for the new job I was interviewing for.  When the CEO told me, I tried very hard not to let my jaw drop.  For the amount of work in the job description, it’s low.  For New York City, it’s low.  For someone not coming in as an entry level worker, it’s low.  To me, the offer was a tad insulting.

I understand she runs a non profit and all budgets must be approved by the board.  However, her tax info is up on Guide Star, so I know how much she makes and how much the foundation is making.  I understand there needs to be enough money to cover the current employees and any new ones, plus the programming itself, but I just can’t possibly believe that the others are being paid so little.

I would love to work with this NGO.  I think they do important work.  But I also know the work I do (and to an extent–me) is excellent and needs to be valued as such.  With a heavy heart, I think I’m going to have to respectfully, yet regretfully, decline the position.

And a new adventure with school awaits.



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