I’m feeling a bit disheveled today. A bit overwhelmed too. And I really don’t like feeling that way. I get really uncomfortable and heavily rely on the eating disorder to help me get through.
I met with an admissions counselor last week about going back to school. One of the great things about NYC is that the majority of the universities offer a continuing education program for working adults. He said if I get all my paperwork in on time, I could potentially start a class on July 2. It’s exciting, but overwhelming. I haven’t been in a proper class in 10 years. And right now, I’m just waiting for my transcripts to arrive. I hate the waiting game.
One of the two busy times at work is about to start. It’s not really super stressful, just tedious. And I have an awesome boss who doesn’t pressure me. I’ll be the one to pressure myself. This is the seventh time I will have done this, but I still get nervous. Once the prep time is over I’ll be able to relax. And it’s totally worth it because I’ll have the office basically to myself for six weeks.
I need to work really hard on recovery. I need to work on really taking care of myself. Since my grandmother left, it’s been difficult to do so. I fall so easily back into old behaviors. I don’t even have to think about it–it just happens. Right now, I don’t want that to happen. If I want to excel in school, I can’t spend all of my time inside my eating disorder.
I did take a very proactive step last week, too. I am going to see another gastroenterologist. An acquaintance of mine is going through the same thing and her doc gave her some meds. I understand mine wanting to find the cause first, but I just can’t continue like this taking test after test with no end in sight. So I’ll see what this one says.
Even with our ups and downs, frustrations and easiness, I do love my husband. It’s just been hard, really hard, now that I don’t get to see him all that much. I know this is normal, but it’s such a change from when he was unemployed and home all the time. I’m grateful and happy that he has found a job he loves, I just miss him. It’s hard.
There’s a lot of change coming up. I don’t do well with change. I know things change and that change is the only constant, but I’m still not a fan. I don’t want to use the eating disorder to get me through it. There is more out there. (at least, this is how i feel today.)