Miss Independent

I grew up as an only child. I think this has given me some advantages. There are disadvantages too. One of the main ones is over self reliance. I’ve done a good amount on my own and I’m proud of that, but it also made it difficult to ask for help. I once told my dad that I was very self reliant and he said he didn’t mean for it to turn out like that. And I get it. I’d rather do a project on my own. If I can do something myself, I’ll rarely ask for help, even if it overwhelms me. I think a subset of that is being okay alone. I know how to entertain myself and I don’t necessarily need someone there.

But all that has changed now. When I started opening up to my husband when we were dating, I found myself starting to rely on him. It was small things at first–helping me carry something or doing something on the small side. And that grew. I find myself relying on him quite a bit now (well, in comparison from before).

I also like just being with him. We don’t have to be doing anything in particular, just sitting and watching TV or reading. I like the physical contact to. A hand hold, a quick hug, sitting next to each other. But none of that happens when we fight or are angry at each other.

There ends up being barely any contact between each other, physical or otherwise, when we are at odds. And it makes me realize how much I’ve become accustomed to the regular and normal contact between us. It doesn’t bode well for my mental health.

I get more anxious and really depressed. I get quiet and start thinking of everything bad and that just makes everything worse. Because then I start thinking that I really don’t need my husband. I was fine before he entered my life and I’ll be okay if he’s not in it anymore. I know it’s extreme, but that’s where my head goes.

I don’t like fighting with my husband. I don’t like having to explain myself over and over again to him even more. It’s exhausting. I wish he could understand that sometimes, it’s not worth the fight. In the long run, it’s not that big of a deal. But he makes it into a big deal, then I just run with it.

It’s frustrating.

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4 thoughts on “Miss Independent

  1. I understand much if what you are saying and feeling. I too am an only child. I am terrible when asking for help and I need to control a situation. I am also a loner. I always enjoyed being with the three exes, but I also enjoy my time alone.

    • I love my alone time. I’ll wake up early on the weekends because I know my husband likes to sleep late and I’ll have time for myself. I also get home earlier than he does. And I don’t know what I would do without my alone time.

  2. While I completely agree that the desire to have alone time can stem from being an only child, I don’t think that having an aversion to asking for help stems from that, but it might in your case. We all have different personalities and you just happen to be more self reliant but maybe that is due to the relationships you had with friends and family during your childhood? I’m not sure, since I don’t know you, but self reliance can be a great thing and you sound like you are a go getter for whatever you want in life.

    For me, as a fellow only child, I love my alone time too but growing up with a very close relationship to my parents, I have never had an issue asking them for help when I need it or when they offer it. Even when I got married it didn’t change the way I feel in my day to day life. My routine of alone time is still met equally with my time with him. However, I was raised with the thought that alone time to reflect on life and do your own thing is as vital to mental sanity as the time we spend with people. Maybe you should try to discuss your feelings with your husband about the fighting when things are calm and happy so as not to escalate anything or be misunderstood. Good luck 🙂

  3. I agree that being an only child and being overly self reliant aren’t mutually exclusive. My wanting and having to do things on my own is a definite reflection on how my parents raised me. Not that it was bad in any way, they just didn’t mean for me to take it to the extreme I did.

    My husband and I have discussed the fighting. And while I think he can see my point, he doesn’t quite get it. But we always manage to work through it.

    Thank you. 🙂

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