I grew up as an only child. I think this has given me some advantages. There are disadvantages too. One of the main ones is over self reliance. I’ve done a good amount on my own and I’m proud of that, but it also made it difficult to ask for help. I once told my dad that I was very self reliant and he said he didn’t mean for it to turn out like that. And I get it. I’d rather do a project on my own. If I can do something myself, I’ll rarely ask for help, even if it overwhelms me. I think a subset of that is being okay alone. I know how to entertain myself and I don’t necessarily need someone there.
But all that has changed now. When I started opening up to my husband when we were dating, I found myself starting to rely on him. It was small things at first–helping me carry something or doing something on the small side. And that grew. I find myself relying on him quite a bit now (well, in comparison from before).
I also like just being with him. We don’t have to be doing anything in particular, just sitting and watching TV or reading. I like the physical contact to. A hand hold, a quick hug, sitting next to each other. But none of that happens when we fight or are angry at each other.
There ends up being barely any contact between each other, physical or otherwise, when we are at odds. And it makes me realize how much I’ve become accustomed to the regular and normal contact between us. It doesn’t bode well for my mental health.
I get more anxious and really depressed. I get quiet and start thinking of everything bad and that just makes everything worse. Because then I start thinking that I really don’t need my husband. I was fine before he entered my life and I’ll be okay if he’s not in it anymore. I know it’s extreme, but that’s where my head goes.
I don’t like fighting with my husband. I don’t like having to explain myself over and over again to him even more. It’s exhausting. I wish he could understand that sometimes, it’s not worth the fight. In the long run, it’s not that big of a deal. But he makes it into a big deal, then I just run with it.