All Because of Bread

Yesterday was pretty crappy.  And it all started because of bread, or lack there of.  I couldn’t find a loaf in the fridge.  It was hidden pretty well, but it was the start of a very rough day.

Since yesterday was a holiday, I didn’t have to work.  I actually slept in!  It was amazing.  But any day off from work means that my normal food schedule is off.  I don’t know why that’s the case, but it is.  I was finally able to negotiate to have some breakfast.  But when I went to make it, I couldn’t find the bread.  I hate it when the food isn’t right.  I knew what I wanted and I was allowed to have it.  I am so not good at having flexibility in my food.  I know that’s something I have to work on, but considering how it was a few years ago, I’ll take this over that any day.

I got angry, frustrated, and upset that what I wanted wasn’t going to happen.  I looked everywhere for the bread and I just couldn’t find it.  (My husband did find it hours later, but it was too late for me.)  So I sulked.  I was super frustrated.  I was going to allow myself to have something yummy and healthy and now I couldn’t because I couldn’t find the bread.  I had to have something else.

Lunch time came around and I was able to negotiate with the eating disorder to have something else.  Something that was also yummy and healthy.  But I couldn’t find something else because we were out of it.  And that just set me off.  I cried.  And cried.  And I needed to vent.  I tried to vent to my husband, but apparently he thought I was angry at him for the food not being there.  That wasn’t it at all.  I was angry that the food wasn’t there, that I didn’t anticipate the food not being there, that I finally allowed myself to have something, but I couldn’t.  To me it just seemed like the eating disorder wanted to win.  And I let it.

I didn’t have the energy to fight it.  I know it’s completely juvenile, but I wanted the food I wanted and there was going to be no substitutions.  I was trying to make steps towards recovery, but the universe wasn’t going to have it.  I was stuck.  So instead of having something else, I restricted and let the eating disorder win.

This followed me into today.  I was able to negotiate a reasonable breakfast, but my body betrayed me and my digestive issues decided to flare up today.  Not so fun.  And I know this is just a minor set back that I need to work through/on, but I just can’t help but think that even though I’m trying to work on recovery, I’m not really supposed to.  This is how things are supposed to be.  And I’m not really fond of this middle ground either, so why not just go full force back into the eating disorder?  At least I’ll know what to expect

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