School and the E.D.

I’m taking a much needed study break.  I’ve been up to my eyeballs in the Enlightenment and the French Revolution.  Going back to school is a much more difficult task than I envisioned it to be.  Well, I knew it was going to be difficult, but didn’t quite realize to what extent.  The material isn’t difficult to understand, as I do have some knowledge in European history after the Enlightenment, but it’s just bit more tedious.  All the reading is making my head spin.  And I’ve realized that I read a lot faster when I’m reading for pleasure, regardless of my initial level of understanding of the material.  But all in all, I am enjoying being studious.  I love learning.

I just wish that the eating disordered thought wouldn’t creep in so much.  In the middle of reading an article, I find myself staring off and adding up the calories I’ve consumed, or about to consume.  There’s no relief.  Just a whole bunch of numbers in my head.  Then there are all the thoughts about food.  What I’ve had, what I’m going to have, what I would really like to have.  And the thoughts about my and my body.  I’m too fat.  Not smart enough.  Not working hard enough.  These thoughts are a plague on my brain.

This morning I found myself negotiating to eat breakfast.  This in and of itself is not new.  It’s the way I operate.  But I had something new to add to the table.  I couldn’t eat breakfast (no matter how hungry I might have been) unless I did at least an hour’s worth of studying.  It’s just one stipulation after another.  I can’t take a break until I’ve read the next chapter.  I have to get through the next 10 pages before I can get something to drink.  It’s just on and on like that.  There’s no respite.  And on one hand while I’m used to the negotiating, now there’s something new being thrown on the table and it’s taking me a bit to get used to it.

I don’t want to give up going to school.  I really don’t.  I think I’ve finally figured out my scholastic path (assuming grants and scholarships are given) and I’m really looking forward to it.  After a decade of kind of knowing what I want to do, then debating it, I can see it now.  But I also see the eating disorder blocking my path.  And I don’t know if I can do it with the eating disorder there.  I know ways of working around it, but I also know how much harder that is.  And the proof is in this past weekend.  Who knows how much of the reading I’ll actually remember?  But I do know that I will remember every morsel of food that passed my lips and my weight each morning.

I’m just frustrated.

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