This morning, I woke up happy. Happy about the possibilities I have in my future. Happy with the current path I’m on. Well, almost happy with that one. I had a moment of… honesty… realization… I don’t know. I thought about maybe I should be completely honest with my therapist tomorrow and tell her everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
She knows the food part. The majority of it. She knows some of the thoughts. But she doesn’t know about some of the behaviors. I’m embarrassed to tell her I binged (without purging). I’ve barely admitted to trying to purposefully trigger myself by going on some not so healthy websites and reading stories of others struggling. While part of it is positive (it helps me see how far I’ve come and feel less alone), there’s also a huge negative part to it. I become obsessive about reading all that I can. I still want to lose weight. I want to be thin again. And I haven’t been able to lose as much as I would have liked to by now.
I understand that restricting and bingeing and purging is not helping my metabolism at all. In fact, I’m sure it’s pretty much ruined. It makes me so angry that I’ve done this to myself, but I don’t know how else to be. Wait–I think I kind of do. I’ve been through programs, but they never really got through. They taught us how to eat properly, which I already knew. They taught us that behaviors are just the symptom, which I already knew. They taught us healthy coping mechanisms to use instead of behaviors, which added to my arsenal. But how do I get rid of the thoughts that propel my desire to lose weight? How do I go from just knowing what to do to actually doing it?
How do I not want the eating disorder when I was happier when I was thinner? When I was happy with how I looked? When I had more confidence? When I wasn’t afraid of taking chances? When that was when I actually believed in myself?