Decision Made… Maybe

I took the day off work today.  I should have been writing my literature paper, but felt the need for some self love.  i did a mud mask and watched TV.  It was just want I needed.

I did go to therapy though.  It was an interesting session.  We spoke about my soon to be ex  She had seen us both together many times, but even she was confused at how he was acting and what he’s said.  I was partially open with her about the eating disorder.  I was honest about how I was feeling ambivalent about recovery.  She was able to see where I was coming from and I think that helped put things in perspective for her.

The last time I saw my therapist, I mentioned how I didn’t know how much I was going to be able to see her because the one thing he actually paid for was therapy.  I can’t afford it on my own, especially now with having to hire a lawyer.  She asked if this were actually the case, or if it was eating disorder fueled.  I was honest when I told her it was both.  I don’t think I’m quite ready to let the eating disorder go.  So after all things were said, we decided that I won’t see her until December.

When I was thinner, I was happier.  I was able to be more varied in my food.  I could go out to eat with friends.  I felt more confident in how I looked and dressed more fashionably.  I took more chances in life.  I got out of my apartment every day.  I was generally happier.  Yes, there were struggles, but I feel like they were easier to overcome then.

So why wouldn’t I think the same thing would come to be if I lost weight?


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