i should be

I should be studying right now.  Between work and being sick, I have so much reading to catch up on, but I haven’t even made a dent.  I can’t seem to concentrate long enough to even get started.  I just have all these thoughts going through my head.  It’s too loud to sit and read.  The eating disorder thoughts and urges are just plaguing me.

i want to restrict to make up the damage from my binge the other night.  i haven’t binged like that in a really long time.  but since i didn’t purge, i need to fix the damage some other way.  i should have taken laxatives, but with my digestive issues acting up this weekend, i really didn’t need to.  as much as i hate dealing with the digestive issues, it helps the number on the scale go down.  i should probably eat something because i haven’t eaten since this morning, but i don’t really want to.  i don’t need to eat any more today.  i’ve had more than enough.

I hate myself so much for having those thoughts–those thoughts that don’t let me do anything else except play stupid games on my computer.  Why can’t I just push through and get stuff done?  I need to be able to push through.

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2 thoughts on “i should be

  1. I can understand how you are feeling. i do the exact same thing and have been – more so than i wish. i am coming off a weekend of eating – more than i ever do, but did because i had my son home and he was excited to celebrate my birthday. yikes – it would be nice to have one moment where i do not think about anything that goes into my mouth. so today, i will fight headaches, thoughts of hunger and probably not eat until later in the day – a small something or other. grrrrr….

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