Extended Family Woes

I’m not very close with my mother’s side of the family. They’ve never really been open towards me. And I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my dad and I are Hispanic. But they would never admit to that.

I kinda had this all figured out by the time I was 11, so I’ve had plenty of time to be angry, hurt, and resentful of it. I’ve also managed to work through these feelings and thoughts in therapy. I understand this has nothing to do with me. They were brought up differently and have different values and moral. I’m not faulting them that at all.

My mother has denied this for years. Years, I tell you. Up until about 4 months ago when she finally began to see things with her own two eyes. And it hurt her. A lot. Her family also started treating her poorly. And I think that was the catalyst for her. And she’s hurt. The other day my dad found her crying over the way her sisters have been treating her and the fact that I wasn’t invited to a cousin’s baby shower.

When my mom told me she got an invitation, and I hadn’t, I knew I had been left out. But I hadn’t been expecting to get invited in the first place. And I was okay with that. I spent years being okay with not being included in events on her side of the family. This was nothing new. I didn’t even think about it. It was barely a blip on my radar.

Then the phone call came last night. A different cousin left a long winded and very unnecessary voice mail.

Hi D! This cousin J. I was just calling because I wanted to let you know I had your wrong address. And I didn’t realize. I didn’t want you to think you weren’t invited. I don’t have any extra invitations so this is your formal invite. It’s going to be in June, in a different state. Hope you can make it. RSVP. Call me back and let me know. Bye.

This message is what gets me angry. It’s like carving out a wound on my arm when there was nothing there in the first place. She didn’t have to call. It’s not like anyone actually wants me there. I’m just really angry she made this call. Why? To make herself feel like a good person? I wish just would have left well enough alone. Then I wouldn’t be feeling like this.

I so want to tell the whole lot of them what I really think of them. But to spare my mother any more pain and not sink to their level and not waste my time and energy, I won’t. But I did manage to rearrange by Facebook privacy settings to longer include them. They don’t need to know what goes on in my life. I am happy with the extended family (irl and online) that I have created.

My Mother and I

My mother arrived yesterday for a visit.  A two and a half week visit.  It wasn’t supposed to be this long.  It wasn’t even supposed to be her visiting.  I’m ready to pull my hair out already.

We really only started getting along last year and even so, I’ve only been able to handle her in small-ish doses.  I don’t know how this is going to go.

She just asks too many questions.  All about my soon to be ex and our relationship.  I’m done talking about him.  I’m tired of talking about him.  It just brings up all these feelings and I don’t want to feel them.  And I immediately start thinking of ways not to feel anything.

I really want to binge and purge.  I feel like I’ve eaten too much yesterday and today and I should take laxatives tonight and make sure to restrict the rest of the evening and tomorrow.  I just want everything out.

I want it all out.

I can’t stand being in my skin anymore.  I can’t stand my thoughts anymore.

I just want out.

Until Next Time

Time sure flew by fast.

I was up at 4:30am this morning to make sure my dad and grandmother made it out the door to their flight this morning.  I am sad to see them go.  Yes, it might have been a bit crowded to have 4 adults in a 1 bedroom apartment, but I’m going to miss having them there.  For the past two weeks, someone was home and to talk to.  It was comforting.  Not to mention that my grandmother helped me out so much.  We would cook and clean together and I got to listen to her stories.

I can’t wait to see her again at Christmas.  I know time will fly just as fast.

To My Wonderful Grandmother!

My beautiful grandmother is 93 today!  She is an amazing pillar of strength and beauty.  She has loved me as if I were her own child.  She taught me how to love unconditionally.  I saw her be strong and wanted to be strong like her.  I still do.  She know how to do so much.  I wish I had half as much talent.  I say a big Happy Birthday! to my beautiful grandmother.  I hope I can make your day as special as you’ve made my life.  I love you!

Father’s Day

My dad is my hero.  He taught me so many things; he continues to teach me things.  When I was younger he told me fabulous stories of his youth and of what the world had/has to offer.  My dad was the one who took me to my first ballet class.  He pushed for music classes and for me to learn foreign languages.  I wouldn’t know half of what I do if it weren’t for him.  Thank you to my wonderful dad!  Happy Father’s Day!!!

And Sometimes it Doesn’t

I love my grandmother to death.  I really do.  She can do no wrong in my eyes.  But I’m starting to realize she has had a bigger impact on my life than I had originally thought.  Of course she influenced my growing up.  I’m not saying that.  I guess, it’s more along the lines of the eating disorder.

In all my years of therapy and treatment, I never really could figure out why my eating disorder started.  There was the naturally anxious child that I was and the trauma.  And I was probably predisposed to have an eating disorder, but I think my grandmother had more to do with it that I ever cared to realize before.  (I hate how therapy can encourage you to make connections where you never had before.)

My grandmother is going on about how she needs to lose weight.  She’s always been a slender woman, but I can remember her saying that she weighed too much.  She was always a healthy eater.  I love fruits and veggies because of her.  But I can see how it’s slightly disordered.  She’s tiny right now, but still thinks she needs to lose weight.  I don’t understand how she could think that because she’s basically bones now.

As a grandmother, she always asks if I’m eating okay.  And I tell her yes, as to not make her worry.  Both her and my dad have mentioned my weight.  And how I was the biggest (translation: fattest) I’ve ever been at my wedding.  My grandmother always asks if I’ve lost weight; that I need to be healthy.  Then last night, she asked what I ate.  I told her and she asked me why I wasn’t losing weight.  How can I tell her that I’ve screwed up my body so much that I just can’t unless it’s drastic?

I want to make her happy.  I would love to lose this excess weight, not only for me, but her.

I wish I didn’t have these thoughts in my head.

A Grandmother’s Love

I absolutely adore my grandmother.  She is my rock.  She saved me.  She is one of the best people I know.

As a young girl, she taught me so much.  Even with her 3rd grade education, she taught me basic mathematics.  She taught me how to cook simple dishes.  She taught me how to do laundry.  And in the kitchen, were my first lessons in tango.  It’s because of her that I know Spanish.

When I got older, she told me stories of her youth and childhood.  She loved her father, like I love mine.  She knew how to take care of herself and her siblings at a young age.  I admire her so much.

I loved spending time with her.  When I was a teenager, she would take different classes at the local community college.  An English class, yoga class, a running/walking class, piano, and a weight lifting class.  She was is a strong little woman.  Just thinking of her makes me smile.

And I get to spend the next 3 weeks with her.  She comes in with my dad tomorrow.  There’s so much she needs to teach me within the next 3 weeks.  Her special spaghetti and other foods and how to crochet.  I’m sure there is more.  Lots more.  I want to take a ton of pictures of us.  I just want to be with her.