A Brief Pause Please

Just got my midterm grade back for my sociology class.  I got an A!  95%  I’m really pleased and proud of myself!

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

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And She Cries

I think I do a fairly good job of keeping up appearances when I’m not at home.  I am usually serious.  I am aware of my surroundings and I get where I need to get to.  Once there, I’ll let myself relax a little bit.  Not a lot, but some.  It’s only when I’m home where I feel I can really let the wall down and truly be myself.  But something has changed within the past couple of day.

I feel like I’ve gotten more emotional at work, with tears ready to overflow with barely any warning.  I was texting with my best friend about recent issues between my husband and me, and my eyes just filled up.  It’s not a new issue my husband and I are having.  But for some reason, discussing it this week, just made me cry.  I’m usually very good at holding it together when I need to, but I just feel like I’m losing it.

I’m going to partially blame the heatwave this week.  It’s supposed to let up by Sunday.  And I sure hope so.  My boss and I were punchy yesterday at work.  That made everything a lot more fun.  I think the heat’s just getting to me.  At least in these kind of instances.  When speaking about a particular play, I was able to make valid and coherent points.  But if I have to talk about work stuff, I’m a blubbering mess.

This weekend and week ahead are the actual busy times for work.  This means, I don’t really get a break until next weekend.  The work this weekend, won’t be strenuous at all.  I just won’t be able to read for my class.  I don’t like not having enough time.  But at least we’re going to be delving into World War I and I know I have a better understanding of that than the French Revolution.

I think my sleep and eating habits are also partially to blame for my over-emotionalness.  Since I’ve been working on my midterm, I’ve worked after I get home from my class.  I’ve been pretty good about stopping at 11pm.  But then I get sidetracked and distracted and don’t actually fall asleep until midnight.  That just hurts.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I need more sleep.  And I’m fine with that.  Part is I’m still winding down from a long day, part I’m still thinking about my class and what needs to get done the rest of the week, and part is punishment.  I have to stay up late because I don’t deserve to have a good night’s sleep.  I really don’t need the 8 hours I was getting it before.  I can lower it to 5 or 6.  I can do it.  I can push through.  Uh, yeah.  So not true.  But after years and years of obeying the rules, I just do it without question.

I am restricting.  And going to my class is helping with that.  I have what could be considered “half” of a dinner before class, and I fully intend to have another “half” when I get home.  But I don’t.  It’s too late to eat now.  You’ve missed your chance.  Now you have to wait until morning.  I know what I should do.  I know what needs to be done.  But, for some reason, there’s this big huge block in between the knowing and the doing.  I either want to go ahead and do what I need to do, or not even know and live in ignorance.

I’m just tired of the battle in my head.

Speaking Out

I find myself in a very interesting situation.  I just noticed it during last night’s class.  I have very easily and quickly slipped into the “quiet girl” role I used to play in school.  I never said anything and I never asked any questions.  And I’m doing it again.  It’s just worrisome because part of our grade is based on participation, not just attendance, and talking equals participation.

I’m apprehensive about asking questions normally, but last night’s lecture kind of sealed the deal that I would just keep my mouth shut and figure it out on my own.  A student asked a question about what the professor was talking about.  And the professor basically jumped down his throat saying that he needs to figure it out on his own.  And while I understand, it’s ultimately up to me to learn the material, if I ask a question, it’s probably because I don’t understand and need clarification.  I think that’s normally why people ask questions.  But this professors’ reply makes me want to ask or answer anything.  I will just sit in my chair, listen, and hopefully take good notes.  The student was angry after class, and rightfully so, but he kept his anger until we were out of earshot.

But this made me think–Would I have responded any differently had I been the one to ask the question?  I’m not sure.  I probably would have sunk down in my seat and hid my tears.  And I wonder how I can be so intimidated in a certain situation, but I can be intimidating in others.  I can speak my mind with my husband, friends, family (well, for the most part), and even the occasional stranger.  But put me in a situation where I’m slightly uneasy and I can barely say hello.

I would like to think that I would have some courage to stand up to this professor and tell him that’s not a particularly appropriate response to a student’s question.  I am paying the school a tuition.  The school takes that tuition (along with other monies) and pays the professor a salary for providing a service–teaching specific classes.  I am taking that class, therefore I am paying for that service and should not have issues like this come up.

I work in customer service.  I deal with customers.  When they have questions, I patiently explain the issue to them.  I can’t tell them to figure it out for themselves when they have the paper work in front of them and I’ve already explained it once.  I understand that teaching is different, but even when I taught I never spoke like that to a student.  It’s just frustrating and defeating to have a teacher like that.

I also started speaking with some of the other students before class started.  It was good.  I thought I was the only one who was lost during the lectures (and reading) and had difficulty keeping up with the reading, but I’m not.  It made me feel better that current undergraduate students (who are majoring in this subject) are having difficulties.  Almost a sense of relief.  At least I’m not alone.  I also felt a little relief during the lecture when I realized I had taken notes on the reading about what the professor was saying.  I felt validated that I was doing the right thing and need to keep going it.

First Day of School

I’ve always loved the first day of school.  No matter what grade I was in, it was always exciting.  It still is.  Here I am, again.  Waiting for my first day of school to start.  I’m excited and nervous.  Registering for my class was a bit more challenging than I had hoped.  I ended up settling for taking a required class.  The other classes were either repeats or I was ineligible because I hadn’t take the prerequisite yet.  I’m getting more and more okay with that.  And at least I’m starting.  It’s better than doing nothing for another 6 weeks.

I was so giddy at registration yesterday.  I got my welcome packet and in it was my acceptance letter and a letter saying that I received a partial scholarship!  I almost started dancing in my chair.  The partial scholarship isn’t a lot, but it’s way better than nothing and will definitely help.

4 hours until my first class in over 10 years!  I’m so excited!

It’s Official!

As of yesterday evening, I was officially accepted into a private university to  start my post bac!  Granted it was through a continuing education department, so it wasn’t as difficult as if I had been applying to the “regular” school, but I’m still so excited!  I get to register on Monday and start my first class on Tuesday!

I’m excited to have a world of option opened up to me.  Now I just need to figure out what direction I want to go in.  Do want to go on the path where I already know the material?  Or do I really want to challenge myself?  And I’m hoping taking this first class will help me figure that out as it’s on the challenge side of the list.  🙂

I am anxious though.  It’s been a bit over 10 years since I’ve been in a proper class.  And even longer since I’ve taken a math class, which I will have to take.  Eventually.)  I’m hoping that I won’t be too lost.  Or too timid.  I just want to do the best that I can.

I think I’m more excited than anxious though.  But we’ll see how I feel come Tuesday!