On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.  Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.  Not that I really did.  And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.  It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.  I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.  There’s nothing for me to do.  Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”  Like me.  Not him.  I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.

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Bubbling Up

I have no words.  I can’t seem to express myself the way I want to.  There are these differing feelings just below the surface, but they’re not coming out. The words aren’t forming. I’m not even sure where to begin.

I found out last week that my midterm for my class is a take home.  It’s such a relief because I was worried how I was going to study to produce something I was proud of.  Now I can write it all out, but I’m having difficulty.  I understand the subject matter and I’ve formed my opinion.  I’m just having a difficult time getting started.  Well, I have a good intro paragraph (I think), but then I’m stuck.  Everything I’m writing isn’t good enough and I end up deleting it.  I’d like to have a rough draft done by this evening, so all I have to do is revise until it’s due on Thursday.  But if I don’t get anything done today, then I won’t have anything to revise and I’ll be stressed and struggling to finish it in the evenings.  I don’t want that.

Part of my worry is that I’m not smart enough to get this done.  While I’m pretty sure this isn’t true, I’m still doubting my abilities.  More likely, this is difficult because I haven’t had to really write anything in the past 10 years.  Not anything that’s going to be graded anyway.  I’m just out of practice.  I know it will become easier the longer I’m in school.  But there’s still that part that this is how it’s going to be from now on.  I’ve already used up my writing talents when I went through school in the first time.  What makes me think I can do it again?

I took my new medicine for the first time yesterday.  I didn’t experience any side effects, so that’s positive.  And my digestive issues were greatly decreased, which is great.  It’s just what I wanted, but…  I was consciously restricting because I knew I wasn’t going to have the issues anymore, so there wasn’t going to be any compensation.  I’m going to gain weight.  I don’t want to gain anymore weight.  And that’s what the scale showed this morning.

I  logically know that my weight is going to fluctuate day to day.  It’s not supposed to stay the same.  But I still don’t like that the numbers went up.  And now I feel like doing whatever I can to get the numbers to go back down.  I know I can’t do that.  It will really interfere with my school work and life, but the thoughts are still there.  Some of the follow through is still there.  And I’m not sure what to do.

I just don’t know what to do.

Except get back to trying to get my midterm done.

First Day of School

I’ve always loved the first day of school.  No matter what grade I was in, it was always exciting.  It still is.  Here I am, again.  Waiting for my first day of school to start.  I’m excited and nervous.  Registering for my class was a bit more challenging than I had hoped.  I ended up settling for taking a required class.  The other classes were either repeats or I was ineligible because I hadn’t take the prerequisite yet.  I’m getting more and more okay with that.  And at least I’m starting.  It’s better than doing nothing for another 6 weeks.

I was so giddy at registration yesterday.  I got my welcome packet and in it was my acceptance letter and a letter saying that I received a partial scholarship!  I almost started dancing in my chair.  The partial scholarship isn’t a lot, but it’s way better than nothing and will definitely help.

4 hours until my first class in over 10 years!  I’m so excited!

Sign Me Up!

I go to register for my summer and fall classes today after work!  I am super excited to be continuing my collegiate career.  I went through the undergraduate bulletin to research possible new majors for the post bac.  And not to be all dramatic about it, but I feel like a lot of it is dependent on this first class I’m taking (assuming that it’s not full and that my prerequisite applies).

It’s a human biology class.  I’m actually looking forward to delving into the world of genetics and DNA.  And I think this is close to the field that I am really thinking I’d like to pursue.  At least, right now.  But I really think this class is going to be the deciding factor.  Do I really want to challenge myself with something far more scientifically based than I originally thought?  If I were to continue on this path, my eventual focus would probably be along the lines of epidemiology or medical anthropology.

Now, if I’m not eligible for that class, I can take a philosophy class that fills one of the core requirements.  And if I don’t want to challenge myself, but still be fascinated by the subject matter, I’d like to focus on genocide/human trafficking.  I have read so much on the subject already.  This would definitely be the easier route, but it would still be enjoyable.

And I think either way I go, I’d like to end up teaching at the collegiate level.  I want to share the knowledge I have.  I enjoy teaching.  And I’m good at it.

I just hope I’m able to make a decision and not go through the hours of back and forth I normally do.

It’s Official!

As of yesterday evening, I was officially accepted into a private university to  start my post bac!  Granted it was through a continuing education department, so it wasn’t as difficult as if I had been applying to the “regular” school, but I’m still so excited!  I get to register on Monday and start my first class on Tuesday!

I’m excited to have a world of option opened up to me.  Now I just need to figure out what direction I want to go in.  Do want to go on the path where I already know the material?  Or do I really want to challenge myself?  And I’m hoping taking this first class will help me figure that out as it’s on the challenge side of the list.  🙂

I am anxious though.  It’s been a bit over 10 years since I’ve been in a proper class.  And even longer since I’ve taken a math class, which I will have to take.  Eventually.)  I’m hoping that I won’t be too lost.  Or too timid.  I just want to do the best that I can.

I think I’m more excited than anxious though.  But we’ll see how I feel come Tuesday!