On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.  Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.  Not that I really did.  And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.  It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.  I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.  There’s nothing for me to do.  Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”  Like me.  Not him.  I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.

Bubbling Up

I have no words.  I can’t seem to express myself the way I want to.  There are these differing feelings just below the surface, but they’re not coming out. The words aren’t forming. I’m not even sure where to begin.

I found out last week that my midterm for my class is a take home.  It’s such a relief because I was worried how I was going to study to produce something I was proud of.  Now I can write it all out, but I’m having difficulty.  I understand the subject matter and I’ve formed my opinion.  I’m just having a difficult time getting started.  Well, I have a good intro paragraph (I think), but then I’m stuck.  Everything I’m writing isn’t good enough and I end up deleting it.  I’d like to have a rough draft done by this evening, so all I have to do is revise until it’s due on Thursday.  But if I don’t get anything done today, then I won’t have anything to revise and I’ll be stressed and struggling to finish it in the evenings.  I don’t want that.

Part of my worry is that I’m not smart enough to get this done.  While I’m pretty sure this isn’t true, I’m still doubting my abilities.  More likely, this is difficult because I haven’t had to really write anything in the past 10 years.  Not anything that’s going to be graded anyway.  I’m just out of practice.  I know it will become easier the longer I’m in school.  But there’s still that part that this is how it’s going to be from now on.  I’ve already used up my writing talents when I went through school in the first time.  What makes me think I can do it again?

I took my new medicine for the first time yesterday.  I didn’t experience any side effects, so that’s positive.  And my digestive issues were greatly decreased, which is great.  It’s just what I wanted, but…  I was consciously restricting because I knew I wasn’t going to have the issues anymore, so there wasn’t going to be any compensation.  I’m going to gain weight.  I don’t want to gain anymore weight.  And that’s what the scale showed this morning.

I  logically know that my weight is going to fluctuate day to day.  It’s not supposed to stay the same.  But I still don’t like that the numbers went up.  And now I feel like doing whatever I can to get the numbers to go back down.  I know I can’t do that.  It will really interfere with my school work and life, but the thoughts are still there.  Some of the follow through is still there.  And I’m not sure what to do.

I just don’t know what to do.

Except get back to trying to get my midterm done.

please…

For some reason I’ve really been struggling with the eating disorder quite a bit the past couple of days.  I know what I’m supposed to do.  I know I need to eat, sleep, etc. but I find myself obeying the eating disorder more and more.  I’m restricting.  And I’m doing it under the pretense that “smaller meals will lessen my digestive issues.”

The anxiety that I had at the beginning of the week is still around.  I just feel like “having anxiety” is not a good enough excuse to have it.  I feel like I should have a reason for being so anxious.  (I know that’s not how it works.  I just wish it did.)  I was slightly nervous about seeing the new doc.  That went well.  Something finally clicked in class the other night and the way I’m reading the material is correct and works for me.  Plus, our midterm is a take home essay, and the final will not be cumulative.  All of this is great.  But my anxiety just holds on.

I know some of it has to do with sleep and the fact that I’m probably not getting enough.  One of the punishments from the eating disorder is to stay up late, even though I’m tired, and force myself to make it through the next day tired; only to stay up late again.  And that cycle just continues until I fall asleep when I just can’t help myself.

I’m finally doing something that I like (going to school) and I just have the eating disorder rearing its ugly head, dictating rules and handing out punishments.  I don’t want to keep going like this.  I’m tired of excusing everything because of “digestive issues” or “school.”  Can’t I just take a break?

Second Opinion

I went to a new doctor for my digestive issues today.  I just needed a second opinion.  While, I do think it’s a good idea for me to have baseline tests done, I knew there was something that could be done in the meantime.

This doctor was great.  He listened to what I had to say and to my history.  He also didn’t think the capsule endoscopy was absolutely necessary at this moment.  He wants to wait and see if the medication he prescribed will work first.  I’m excited about trying the medication because I’ve heard wonderful things online about it.  Most people who have taken it, have their symptoms stop fairly quickly.  So, I’m quite hopeful.

I will no longer have to go into a place and find the bathroom first.  I won’t have to stop mid conversation to go to the bathroom.  I won’t be so exhausted.  I’m just really looking forward to hopefully having some relief.

All Because of Bread

Yesterday was pretty crappy.  And it all started because of bread, or lack there of.  I couldn’t find a loaf in the fridge.  It was hidden pretty well, but it was the start of a very rough day.

Since yesterday was a holiday, I didn’t have to work.  I actually slept in!  It was amazing.  But any day off from work means that my normal food schedule is off.  I don’t know why that’s the case, but it is.  I was finally able to negotiate to have some breakfast.  But when I went to make it, I couldn’t find the bread.  I hate it when the food isn’t right.  I knew what I wanted and I was allowed to have it.  I am so not good at having flexibility in my food.  I know that’s something I have to work on, but considering how it was a few years ago, I’ll take this over that any day.

I got angry, frustrated, and upset that what I wanted wasn’t going to happen.  I looked everywhere for the bread and I just couldn’t find it.  (My husband did find it hours later, but it was too late for me.)  So I sulked.  I was super frustrated.  I was going to allow myself to have something yummy and healthy and now I couldn’t because I couldn’t find the bread.  I had to have something else.

Lunch time came around and I was able to negotiate with the eating disorder to have something else.  Something that was also yummy and healthy.  But I couldn’t find something else because we were out of it.  And that just set me off.  I cried.  And cried.  And I needed to vent.  I tried to vent to my husband, but apparently he thought I was angry at him for the food not being there.  That wasn’t it at all.  I was angry that the food wasn’t there, that I didn’t anticipate the food not being there, that I finally allowed myself to have something, but I couldn’t.  To me it just seemed like the eating disorder wanted to win.  And I let it.

I didn’t have the energy to fight it.  I know it’s completely juvenile, but I wanted the food I wanted and there was going to be no substitutions.  I was trying to make steps towards recovery, but the universe wasn’t going to have it.  I was stuck.  So instead of having something else, I restricted and let the eating disorder win.

This followed me into today.  I was able to negotiate a reasonable breakfast, but my body betrayed me and my digestive issues decided to flare up today.  Not so fun.  And I know this is just a minor set back that I need to work through/on, but I just can’t help but think that even though I’m trying to work on recovery, I’m not really supposed to.  This is how things are supposed to be.  And I’m not really fond of this middle ground either, so why not just go full force back into the eating disorder?  At least I’ll know what to expect

All Over the Place

I’m feeling a bit disheveled today. A bit overwhelmed too. And I really don’t like feeling that way. I get really uncomfortable and heavily rely on the eating disorder to help me get through.

I met with an admissions counselor last week about going back to school. One of the great things about NYC is that the majority of the universities offer a continuing education program for working adults. He said if I get all my paperwork in on time, I could potentially start a class on July 2. It’s exciting, but overwhelming. I haven’t been in a proper class in 10 years. And right now, I’m just waiting for my transcripts to arrive. I hate the waiting game.

One of the two busy times at work is about to start. It’s not really super stressful, just tedious. And I have an awesome boss who doesn’t pressure me. I’ll be the one to pressure myself. This is the seventh time I will have done this, but I still get nervous. Once the prep time is over I’ll be able to relax. And it’s totally worth it because I’ll have the office basically to myself for six weeks.

I need to work really hard on recovery. I need to work on really taking care of myself. Since my grandmother left, it’s been difficult to do so. I fall so easily back into old behaviors. I don’t even have to think about it–it just happens. Right now, I don’t want that to happen. If I want to excel in school, I can’t spend all of my time inside my eating disorder.

I did take a very proactive step last week, too. I am going to see another gastroenterologist. An acquaintance of mine is going through the same thing and her doc gave her some meds. I understand mine wanting to find the cause first, but I just can’t continue like this taking test after test with no end in sight. So I’ll see what this one says.

Even with our ups and downs, frustrations and easiness, I do love my husband. It’s just been hard, really hard, now that I don’t get to see him all that much. I know this is normal, but it’s such a change from when he was unemployed and home all the time. I’m grateful and happy that he has found a job he loves, I just miss him. It’s hard.

There’s a lot of change coming up. I don’t do well with change. I know things change and that change is the only constant, but I’m still not a fan. I don’t want to use the eating disorder to get me through it. There is more out there. (at least, this is how i feel today.)

Choosing My Path

I’m going to be really honest here and say that right now, I’d like nothing more that to focus on losing weight–however that may be.  It’s true.  It’s the thought that plagues me the majority of the time I’m awake.  I’m constantly thinking about restricting and how much I think i could get away with.  I do let the number on the scale dictate what kind of day I’m going to have.  I’m not too keen on solving my digestive issues because every little bit helps.  My scope of vision is really tiny.  All I see are numbers and fat and weight.  All I care about is doing whatever I have to/can do to get the number on the scale lower.  It’s a fairly sad existence.  (I would say “life,” but I’m not really living.)

I need to change my stance.  I need to change my viewpoint.

Quite honestly, I know I can’t accept a new job or start school with these thoughts still going through my head.  But it’s so hard to change my way of thinking and the habits.  I know small changes are good and are a step in the right direction, but every small change seems huge and daunting.

There’s the decision to choose recovery.

I feel that I can’t stay in this limbo for much longer.  It’s not that I need to pick a side–I just need to actively choose recovery every day and make recovery minded decisions.  I need to start aiming towards recovery.

I’m not naive.  I know that I will have slips and make mistakes and sometimes lose my way, but as long I’m still moving forward, then it’s okay.

Or I can stay actively engaging in the eating disorder.  But we all know that doesn’t really lead anywhere.  I can stay just sitting here at my job, not really doing much of anything.  Bored out of my mind.  And complaining about it.

I know what I need to do.  But following through on it is a different matter completely.  I am literally standing in my own way.  For some reason, I just can’t make the healthy decision.

maybe it’s because i don’t deserve it.