Being Quiet

I made this New Year’s resolution to talk more this year and not keep things so bottled up.  And I’m failing miserably with it.  I’ve been slowly telling certain people certain things, but not one of my friends has the whole story on what’s been going on.

My divorce is final.  I got the official papers a few weeks ago.  Besides my immediate family, only 4 friends know.  I know my friends love and support me.  And they would never judge me.  But in the same breath I can say that I’m embarrassed and slightly ashamed that something I thought was going to last, didn’t.  That the relationship was so hurtful, but I couldn’t see that until I got some distance from it.  That I still have moments where I find myself missing him and wanting to see him again.

I started therapy again.  It’s bringing up a lot of feelings that I’m not comfortable with.  And I’ve been dealing with them by using some not healthy behaviors.  I get in cycles of bingeing and restricting.  It’s the only thing that really makes me feel better.  Or better said, it’s the only thing that helps me not to feel; to be numb.  And I’d rather be numb.  Numb is always better.  Then I can’t hurt.  I won’t feel the pain.  I won’t need something else to distract me. I can just be and focus on what I need to do.

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Standing on the Precipice

I’ve been trying to distract myself for the majority of the day.  I’ve really wanted to just binge and purge all day or, at the very least, just dig out my laxatives.  And I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out.  I’ve tried to do homework, watching a movie, playing games on my phone and computer, taking a nap and the urges are still there and just as strong.

Last week, I had been thinking that it might be worth it to try to go through my insurance for a referral for a therapist.  I would love to continue to see the one I was seeing as she knows everything already, but I can’t afford her.  Even with her sliding scale.  The person I called was rude.  After I told her the symptom usage, she asked my weight.  I’m already embarrassed about my weight and it just kills me every time I have to say it out loud.  I lied and told her I weigh ten pounds less than I actually do.  She basically said I was fat.  Actually, she said, “Well, those symptoms haven’t made you thin.”  Yeah.  Ouch.

I’ve just been replaying that conversation over and over in my head.  Every time I go to eat something, I hear her words again.  I feel so guilty after eating, if I eat at all.  All I want to do is lose weight.  As much as I can, as quickly as I can.  I just want the food out.  I want to be empty.

On a good day, I can fight the urges and the thoughts with minimal usage.  Yes, I’m probably still technically engaging in behaviors, but you know what?  It’s better than completely consumed by the eating disorder.  Not really in recovery (but closer than I’ve been in a long time), but not completely consumed either.

I’m just too exhausted to fight it anymore.

Not Doing Enough

I slept most of the day away, the weekend in fact.  And I’m still tired.

I really should have been reading.  I need to finish this book for my literature class.  And write a paper for Thursday.

I’m trying really hard not to feel guilty about sleeping.  My body obviously needed it, otherwise I wouldn’t have slept at all or for that long.  It’s just really hard not to feel guilty when I know I’m capable of doing so much more.

Yes, I work and go to school.  But it’s only two classes.  I should be able to handle this.  There are some people who work and take three or four classes.  Now, that’s stressful. I don’t even have a high stress job.

I should have been cleaning my apartment because my mom is coming to visit next weekend.  I’m sure she’ll find something to complain about the state of my apartment.  It’s just hard when I feel like I’m doing the best I can, but I know I can do better.  And this will just be reinforced by my mother.

I want to do more.  I need to do more.  Then I won’t be stuck in my head so much.

I need that escape.

Just Getting Through

I am so bored right now that I started taking pictures at my desk. I feel too guilty reading the book for my literature class, so I just have it sitting there taunting me.

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I’m so bored right now. But I’m going to take it and run with. It’s better than being anxious and on edge.

I ended up going and staying for my sociology class. I’m glad I did. I got to talk to classmates and really tried to concentrate. I did find myself zoning out a few times, but I’m okay with that. It’s not material I don’t already know and regardless, I think I was engaged about 75% of the time. I’m pretty proud of myself for that. Plus, my test god pushed back a week. That really helps because I was worried I was going to have to pull double duty with studying for the test and writing my lit paper for next week. Now I just have to concentrate on my paper. 🙂

I got home last night and was really agitated and frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to do anything or even really watch anything. I was unpacking a box my parents had sent and just started throwing stuff out of the box. I was just so angry. And I broke down. I didn’t want to cry. I had been holding it together fairly well. I had managed to stop any tears from falling earlier, but I just couldn’t stop last night. I eventually managed to pull myself together. I don’t like losing control when I haven’t scheduled it.

I have a book to finish by tomorrow (which isn’t happening, but I’m going to try), a paper that’s due next Thursday, and a test the Tuesday after that. Then I’m looking at Thanksgiving and then finals. I can’t break down until after finals. I just have to keep going until then. Just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day.

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And this is the view from my desk. It’s always fun looking out at the cement wall of the building next door.

On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.  Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.  Not that I really did.  And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.  It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.  I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.  There’s nothing for me to do.  Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”  Like me.  Not him.  I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.

Singing the Monday Blues

I am so not happy that today is Monday.  I don’t want it to be Monday.  Well, it can be Monday, but I don’t want to have to acknowledge it’s Monday.  I just want to go back to the weekend where I can procrastinate working on my paper some more.  Actually, that’s not true.  I did work on it quite a bit.  I have the short answers done.  I’m just working on the long essay.  I did email my professor to ask if I can focus on one major time period.  He said it was fine as long as I state exactly that.  I’m relieved about that.  I think part of me was just anxious that the essay could have such a broad response that I was a bit overwhelmed about writing it.  Now that I’m able to focus in on a particular year, it’s going to be much better.

I was meant to write some of my essay today.  But I haven’t even gotten to it yet.  Other things are getting in the way.  I just wish I could snap my fingers and it would get done.

I want to go back to sleep.  This heat wave is suffocating.  I don’t feel well at all.

The scale went up again this morning.  I’m not happy about that.  I didn’t want to eat lunch, but I felt I had to.  And now I feel so guilty for eating.  I feel like I could have held out longer.  I should have held out longer.  I should walk home to make up for it.  At least I’ll be walking to therapy.  That should make up for some of it.  I just want it all gone.

I fell like a complete spoiled brat.  Here I am complaining about writing a midterm, the heat, and myself.  I should be grateful I have any of those.  I really should.  I just need to suck it up and keep going.  I can do this.

Play. Stop. Rewind. Repeat

I tend to numb myself out so I don’t have to feel.

And I’ll distract myself so I don’t have to think.

But it’s not enough sometimes.

Sometimes I can still see her lying there, not moving.

I’ll read or watch something online or on TV.  I’ll talk with my grandmother.  I’ll play a game on my phone.  I’ll do anything to occupy my thoughts.  But then–BANG!  I see the picture in my head as clear as day.  I reply the incident over and over and over again.

The vision came in my dreams a few nights after it happened.  Since then, I’ll try to do anything to tire myself out so much that I can be so exhausted, it won’t be in my dreams.  I’m really anxious during the day anyway, so that helps with the exhaustion.  I’m not sleeping well.  And we all know that doesn’t help the anxiety.  (It’s a blessing and a curse right now.)

I’ve never really been in a situation like this before.

I’m not sure when I’ll start to feel “normal” again.

Do the images start to fade?