Looking Back

This past year has led me on a journey I never thought I would have ever been on. There were immense highs and hellish lows.  I regret nothing.  Everything was a learning experience.

I miss my husband terribly.  I still love him with all my heart.  I whole heartedly wish that things would have turned out differently.  I’m still having a difficult time coming to terms with the reality of our relationship.  I have a hard time saying it out loud.

Another year has passed and I’m still just as entrenched in my eating disorder now  as I was 5 years ago.  Maybe some of the behaviors have lessened or changed, but the thoughts are just as intense.

I went back to school and that was the best thing I ever could have done.  I love every minute of it.  I have no doubt that school saved my life this semester.  And quite possibly the next one.

I’m looking forward to the new year.  I want to be able to let go of my past and move on and grow.

What Would Have Been

Tomorrow would have been my anniversary.

A year ago, we were in a church, exchanging our vows and promising to be together until “death do us part.”  And he left.  Without a word.

I wanted to be married to him.  I thought we were equal.  I thought we were partners.

He was the love of my life.  I always thought of him in dreaming up future plans.  Even when I knew it was over, I thought of ways that it would be easiest on him.  I knew we would both be hurt, but I was trying to figure out the less hurtful way of ending it.

He never thought of me at the same level.  He was never open with me, but he forced me to tell him everything.  He made me financially responsible for the household.  It was fine when he was unemployed, but didn’t want to contribute even after he got a job and couldn’t understand why I needed money.  He went out all the time after work and got drunk, and I just went to class then home.  He was adamant about having a biological child and would only consider adoption as a last resort.  Not a good thing to say to someone who is adopted.

I had him first in my heart.

He took a sledgehammer and broke it into pieces.

And now I just want to hide… disappear…

Alone

My husband left me.

I had asked him to leave by the end of the month. But we got into another fight and he left the apartment while I was at work.

I found out through an email. Not a face to face conversation. Not a phone call. Not even a text message. Wait. I did get a text, but it was to check my email.

I know we had problems, but for him to walk out like that was completely cowardly and disrespectful. I never thought he could hurt me more than he already had, but he did. Whenever I felt there were issues between us, he always pushed me to talked about, no matter how uncomfortable I felt. And the last month or so, I’ve actually been voluntarily telling him. He never reciprocated. I wonder if he ever really loved or respected me.

I think he loved the idea of me. I think he want to be with someone who doesn’t really speak up; who takes what he says as gospel and doesn’t question it. And instead he got me.

I spent so many years in silence and it hasn’t really gotten me anywhere. I refuse to stay silent. I will speak up for myself. I will protect myself.