Just Getting Through

I am so bored right now that I started taking pictures at my desk. I feel too guilty reading the book for my literature class, so I just have it sitting there taunting me.


I’m so bored right now. But I’m going to take it and run with. It’s better than being anxious and on edge.

I ended up going and staying for my sociology class. I’m glad I did. I got to talk to classmates and really tried to concentrate. I did find myself zoning out a few times, but I’m okay with that. It’s not material I don’t already know and regardless, I think I was engaged about 75% of the time. I’m pretty proud of myself for that. Plus, my test god pushed back a week. That really helps because I was worried I was going to have to pull double duty with studying for the test and writing my lit paper for next week. Now I just have to concentrate on my paper. ūüôā

I got home last night and was really agitated and frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to do anything or even really watch anything. I was unpacking a box my parents had sent and just started throwing stuff out of the box. I was just so angry. And I broke down. I didn’t want to cry. I had been holding it together fairly well. I had managed to stop any tears from falling earlier, but I just couldn’t stop last night. I eventually managed to pull myself together. I don’t like losing control when I haven’t scheduled it.

I have a book to finish by tomorrow (which isn’t happening, but I’m going to try), a paper that’s due next Thursday, and a test the Tuesday after that. Then I’m looking at Thanksgiving and then finals. I can’t break down until after finals. I just have to keep going until then. Just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day.


And this is the view from my desk. It’s always fun looking out at the cement wall of the building next door.


Figuring it Out

I had known for some time that my marriage was over. ¬†I just really didn’t want to admit it. ¬†I was holding onto hope… ¬†Hope that it would get better. ¬†Hope that if we both worked on it, we’d be stronger. ¬†Hope that I really was overreacting and being too emotional.

I love school. ¬†Even the homework (although I may deny it during finals). ¬†And talking to different professors and reading for pleasure again helped me to figure out the exact field and focus I want to eventually work in. ¬†I knew it was right because as I was thinking about job possibilities, I was open to location. ¬†If work took me away from my beloved New York City, I’d be okay with that. ¬†That’s how I knew.

The second red flag came about as I was speaking with my literature instructor. ¬†She was asking what I wanted to do with my degree. ¬†After I told her, she asked, “What will your husband do?” ¬†I couldn’t answer. ¬†Oops. ¬†Until that moment, I hadn’t considered him at all in my plan. ¬†But why should I? ¬†He never factored me into his plans.

He had planned out our future; my future. ¬†He got upset when I voiced my concerns, frustrations, and possible flaws and would try to quiet me with a, “It will be okay.” ¬†That caused me to get upset and angry and we would both explode. ¬†When I tried explaining my issues, he would get angry and say I was overreacting and being silly.

How exactly can I overreact or be silly when I’m just expressing how I feel?

And She Cries

I think I do a fairly good job of keeping up appearances when I’m not at home.¬† I am usually serious.¬† I am aware of my surroundings and I get where I need to get to.¬† Once there, I’ll let myself relax a little bit.¬† Not a lot, but some.¬† It’s only when I’m home where I feel I can really let the wall down and truly be myself.¬† But something has changed within the past couple of day.

I feel like I’ve gotten more emotional at work, with tears ready to overflow with barely any warning.¬† I was texting with my best friend about recent issues between my husband and me, and my eyes just filled up.¬† It’s not a new issue my husband and I are having.¬† But for some reason, discussing it this week, just made me cry.¬† I’m usually very good at holding it together when I need to, but I just feel like I’m losing it.

I’m going to partially blame the heatwave this week.¬† It’s supposed to let up by Sunday.¬† And I sure hope so.¬† My boss and I were punchy yesterday at work.¬† That made everything a lot more fun.¬† I think the heat’s just getting to me.¬† At least in these kind of instances.¬† When speaking about a particular play, I was able to make valid and coherent points.¬† But if I have to talk about work stuff, I’m a blubbering mess.

This weekend and week ahead are the actual busy times for work.¬† This means, I don’t really get a break until next weekend.¬† The work this weekend, won’t be strenuous at all.¬† I just won’t be able to read for my class.¬† I don’t like not having enough time.¬† But at least we’re going to be delving into World War I and I know I have a better understanding of that than the French Revolution.

I think my sleep and eating habits are also partially to blame for my over-emotionalness.¬† Since I’ve been working on my midterm, I’ve worked after I get home from my class.¬† I’ve been pretty good about stopping at 11pm.¬† But then I get sidetracked and distracted and don’t actually fall asleep until midnight.¬† That just hurts.¬† As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I need more sleep.¬† And I’m fine with that.¬† Part is I’m still winding down from a long day, part I’m still thinking about my class and what needs to get done the rest of the week, and part is punishment.¬† I have to stay up late because I don’t deserve to have a good night’s sleep.¬† I really don’t need the 8 hours I was getting it before.¬† I can lower it to 5 or 6.¬† I can do it.¬† I can push through.¬† Uh, yeah.¬† So not true.¬† But after years and years of obeying the rules, I just do it without question.

I am restricting.¬† And going to my class is helping with that.¬† I have what could be considered “half” of a dinner before class, and I fully intend to have another “half” when I get home.¬† But I don’t.¬† It’s too late to eat now.¬† You’ve missed your chance.¬† Now you have to wait until morning.¬† I know what I should do.¬† I know what needs to be done.¬† But, for some reason, there’s this big huge block in between the knowing and the doing.¬† I either want to go ahead and do what I need to do, or not even know and live in ignorance.

I’m just tired of the battle in my head.

On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.¬† Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.¬† Not that I really did.¬† And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.¬† It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.¬† I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.¬† There’s nothing for me to do.¬† Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”¬† Like me.¬† Not him.¬† I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.