Just Getting Through

I am so bored right now that I started taking pictures at my desk. I feel too guilty reading the book for my literature class, so I just have it sitting there taunting me.

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I’m so bored right now. But I’m going to take it and run with. It’s better than being anxious and on edge.

I ended up going and staying for my sociology class. I’m glad I did. I got to talk to classmates and really tried to concentrate. I did find myself zoning out a few times, but I’m okay with that. It’s not material I don’t already know and regardless, I think I was engaged about 75% of the time. I’m pretty proud of myself for that. Plus, my test god pushed back a week. That really helps because I was worried I was going to have to pull double duty with studying for the test and writing my lit paper for next week. Now I just have to concentrate on my paper. ūüôā

I got home last night and was really agitated and frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to do anything or even really watch anything. I was unpacking a box my parents had sent and just started throwing stuff out of the box. I was just so angry. And I broke down. I didn’t want to cry. I had been holding it together fairly well. I had managed to stop any tears from falling earlier, but I just couldn’t stop last night. I eventually managed to pull myself together. I don’t like losing control when I haven’t scheduled it.

I have a book to finish by tomorrow (which isn’t happening, but I’m going to try), a paper that’s due next Thursday, and a test the Tuesday after that. Then I’m looking at Thanksgiving and then finals. I can’t break down until after finals. I just have to keep going until then. Just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day.

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And this is the view from my desk. It’s always fun looking out at the cement wall of the building next door.

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Figuring it Out

I had known for some time that my marriage was over. ¬†I just really didn’t want to admit it. ¬†I was holding onto hope… ¬†Hope that it would get better. ¬†Hope that if we both worked on it, we’d be stronger. ¬†Hope that I really was overreacting and being too emotional.

I love school. ¬†Even the homework (although I may deny it during finals). ¬†And talking to different professors and reading for pleasure again helped me to figure out the exact field and focus I want to eventually work in. ¬†I knew it was right because as I was thinking about job possibilities, I was open to location. ¬†If work took me away from my beloved New York City, I’d be okay with that. ¬†That’s how I knew.

The second red flag came about as I was speaking with my literature instructor. ¬†She was asking what I wanted to do with my degree. ¬†After I told her, she asked, “What will your husband do?” ¬†I couldn’t answer. ¬†Oops. ¬†Until that moment, I hadn’t considered him at all in my plan. ¬†But why should I? ¬†He never factored me into his plans.

He had planned out our future; my future. ¬†He got upset when I voiced my concerns, frustrations, and possible flaws and would try to quiet me with a, “It will be okay.” ¬†That caused me to get upset and angry and we would both explode. ¬†When I tried explaining my issues, he would get angry and say I was overreacting and being silly.

How exactly can I overreact or be silly when I’m just expressing how I feel?

And She Cries

I think I do a fairly good job of keeping up appearances when I’m not at home.¬† I am usually serious.¬† I am aware of my surroundings and I get where I need to get to.¬† Once there, I’ll let myself relax a little bit.¬† Not a lot, but some.¬† It’s only when I’m home where I feel I can really let the wall down and truly be myself.¬† But something has changed within the past couple of day.

I feel like I’ve gotten more emotional at work, with tears ready to overflow with barely any warning.¬† I was texting with my best friend about recent issues between my husband and me, and my eyes just filled up.¬† It’s not a new issue my husband and I are having.¬† But for some reason, discussing it this week, just made me cry.¬† I’m usually very good at holding it together when I need to, but I just feel like I’m losing it.

I’m going to partially blame the heatwave this week.¬† It’s supposed to let up by Sunday.¬† And I sure hope so.¬† My boss and I were punchy yesterday at work.¬† That made everything a lot more fun.¬† I think the heat’s just getting to me.¬† At least in these kind of instances.¬† When speaking about a particular play, I was able to make valid and coherent points.¬† But if I have to talk about work stuff, I’m a blubbering mess.

This weekend and week ahead are the actual busy times for work.¬† This means, I don’t really get a break until next weekend.¬† The work this weekend, won’t be strenuous at all.¬† I just won’t be able to read for my class.¬† I don’t like not having enough time.¬† But at least we’re going to be delving into World War I and I know I have a better understanding of that than the French Revolution.

I think my sleep and eating habits are also partially to blame for my over-emotionalness.¬† Since I’ve been working on my midterm, I’ve worked after I get home from my class.¬† I’ve been pretty good about stopping at 11pm.¬† But then I get sidetracked and distracted and don’t actually fall asleep until midnight.¬† That just hurts.¬† As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I need more sleep.¬† And I’m fine with that.¬† Part is I’m still winding down from a long day, part I’m still thinking about my class and what needs to get done the rest of the week, and part is punishment.¬† I have to stay up late because I don’t deserve to have a good night’s sleep.¬† I really don’t need the 8 hours I was getting it before.¬† I can lower it to 5 or 6.¬† I can do it.¬† I can push through.¬† Uh, yeah.¬† So not true.¬† But after years and years of obeying the rules, I just do it without question.

I am restricting.¬† And going to my class is helping with that.¬† I have what could be considered “half” of a dinner before class, and I fully intend to have another “half” when I get home.¬† But I don’t.¬† It’s too late to eat now.¬† You’ve missed your chance.¬† Now you have to wait until morning.¬† I know what I should do.¬† I know what needs to be done.¬† But, for some reason, there’s this big huge block in between the knowing and the doing.¬† I either want to go ahead and do what I need to do, or not even know and live in ignorance.

I’m just tired of the battle in my head.

On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.¬† Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.¬† Not that I really did.¬† And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.¬† It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.¬† I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.¬† There’s nothing for me to do.¬† Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”¬† Like me.¬† Not him.¬† I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.