struggling

i’ve been sitting here struggling to write something.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to convince myself that it’s okay to eat something.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to drink water, juice, something, anything.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to reach out and get support.

i’ve been sitting here struggling not to take laxatives.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to get my panic attacks under control.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to allow myself to take my meds to help calm me down.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to admit to myself that i need more support.

i’ve been sitting here struggling with the fact that i know what i need to do, but can’t seem to do it.

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Turning Around

This morning, I woke up happy.  Happy about the possibilities I have in my future.  Happy with the current path I’m on.  Well, almost happy with that one.  I had a moment of… honesty… realization…  I don’t know.  I thought about maybe I should be completely honest with my therapist tomorrow and tell her everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.

She knows the food part.  The majority of it.  She knows some of the thoughts.  But she doesn’t know about some of the behaviors.  I’m embarrassed to tell her I binged (without purging).  I’ve barely admitted to trying to purposefully trigger myself by going on some not so healthy websites and reading stories of others struggling.  While part of it is positive (it helps me see how far I’ve come and feel less alone), there’s also a huge negative part to it.  I become obsessive about reading all that I can.  I still want to lose weight.  I want to be thin again.  And I haven’t been able to lose as much as I would have liked to by now.

I understand that restricting and bingeing and purging is not helping my metabolism at all.  In fact, I’m sure it’s pretty much ruined.  It makes me so angry that I’ve done this to myself, but I don’t know how else to be.  Wait–I think I kind of do.  I’ve been through programs, but they never really got through.  They taught us how to eat properly, which I already knew.  They taught us that behaviors are just the symptom, which I already knew.  They taught us healthy coping mechanisms to use instead of behaviors, which added to my arsenal.  But how do I get rid of the thoughts that propel my desire to lose weight?  How do I go from just knowing what to do to actually doing it?

How do I not want the eating disorder when I was happier when I was thinner?  When I was happy with how I looked?  When I had more confidence?  When I wasn’t afraid of taking chances?  When that was when I actually believed in myself?

On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.  Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.  Not that I really did.  And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.  It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.  I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.  There’s nothing for me to do.  Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”  Like me.  Not him.  I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.

Bubbling Up

I have no words.  I can’t seem to express myself the way I want to.  There are these differing feelings just below the surface, but they’re not coming out. The words aren’t forming. I’m not even sure where to begin.

I found out last week that my midterm for my class is a take home.  It’s such a relief because I was worried how I was going to study to produce something I was proud of.  Now I can write it all out, but I’m having difficulty.  I understand the subject matter and I’ve formed my opinion.  I’m just having a difficult time getting started.  Well, I have a good intro paragraph (I think), but then I’m stuck.  Everything I’m writing isn’t good enough and I end up deleting it.  I’d like to have a rough draft done by this evening, so all I have to do is revise until it’s due on Thursday.  But if I don’t get anything done today, then I won’t have anything to revise and I’ll be stressed and struggling to finish it in the evenings.  I don’t want that.

Part of my worry is that I’m not smart enough to get this done.  While I’m pretty sure this isn’t true, I’m still doubting my abilities.  More likely, this is difficult because I haven’t had to really write anything in the past 10 years.  Not anything that’s going to be graded anyway.  I’m just out of practice.  I know it will become easier the longer I’m in school.  But there’s still that part that this is how it’s going to be from now on.  I’ve already used up my writing talents when I went through school in the first time.  What makes me think I can do it again?

I took my new medicine for the first time yesterday.  I didn’t experience any side effects, so that’s positive.  And my digestive issues were greatly decreased, which is great.  It’s just what I wanted, but…  I was consciously restricting because I knew I wasn’t going to have the issues anymore, so there wasn’t going to be any compensation.  I’m going to gain weight.  I don’t want to gain anymore weight.  And that’s what the scale showed this morning.

I  logically know that my weight is going to fluctuate day to day.  It’s not supposed to stay the same.  But I still don’t like that the numbers went up.  And now I feel like doing whatever I can to get the numbers to go back down.  I know I can’t do that.  It will really interfere with my school work and life, but the thoughts are still there.  Some of the follow through is still there.  And I’m not sure what to do.

I just don’t know what to do.

Except get back to trying to get my midterm done.

Second Opinion

I went to a new doctor for my digestive issues today.  I just needed a second opinion.  While, I do think it’s a good idea for me to have baseline tests done, I knew there was something that could be done in the meantime.

This doctor was great.  He listened to what I had to say and to my history.  He also didn’t think the capsule endoscopy was absolutely necessary at this moment.  He wants to wait and see if the medication he prescribed will work first.  I’m excited about trying the medication because I’ve heard wonderful things online about it.  Most people who have taken it, have their symptoms stop fairly quickly.  So, I’m quite hopeful.

I will no longer have to go into a place and find the bathroom first.  I won’t have to stop mid conversation to go to the bathroom.  I won’t be so exhausted.  I’m just really looking forward to hopefully having some relief.

All Because of Bread

Yesterday was pretty crappy.  And it all started because of bread, or lack there of.  I couldn’t find a loaf in the fridge.  It was hidden pretty well, but it was the start of a very rough day.

Since yesterday was a holiday, I didn’t have to work.  I actually slept in!  It was amazing.  But any day off from work means that my normal food schedule is off.  I don’t know why that’s the case, but it is.  I was finally able to negotiate to have some breakfast.  But when I went to make it, I couldn’t find the bread.  I hate it when the food isn’t right.  I knew what I wanted and I was allowed to have it.  I am so not good at having flexibility in my food.  I know that’s something I have to work on, but considering how it was a few years ago, I’ll take this over that any day.

I got angry, frustrated, and upset that what I wanted wasn’t going to happen.  I looked everywhere for the bread and I just couldn’t find it.  (My husband did find it hours later, but it was too late for me.)  So I sulked.  I was super frustrated.  I was going to allow myself to have something yummy and healthy and now I couldn’t because I couldn’t find the bread.  I had to have something else.

Lunch time came around and I was able to negotiate with the eating disorder to have something else.  Something that was also yummy and healthy.  But I couldn’t find something else because we were out of it.  And that just set me off.  I cried.  And cried.  And I needed to vent.  I tried to vent to my husband, but apparently he thought I was angry at him for the food not being there.  That wasn’t it at all.  I was angry that the food wasn’t there, that I didn’t anticipate the food not being there, that I finally allowed myself to have something, but I couldn’t.  To me it just seemed like the eating disorder wanted to win.  And I let it.

I didn’t have the energy to fight it.  I know it’s completely juvenile, but I wanted the food I wanted and there was going to be no substitutions.  I was trying to make steps towards recovery, but the universe wasn’t going to have it.  I was stuck.  So instead of having something else, I restricted and let the eating disorder win.

This followed me into today.  I was able to negotiate a reasonable breakfast, but my body betrayed me and my digestive issues decided to flare up today.  Not so fun.  And I know this is just a minor set back that I need to work through/on, but I just can’t help but think that even though I’m trying to work on recovery, I’m not really supposed to.  This is how things are supposed to be.  And I’m not really fond of this middle ground either, so why not just go full force back into the eating disorder?  At least I’ll know what to expect

Invading Thoughts

I think I’m starting to see how much the eating disorder really is taking over my thoughts.  Yesterday’s post was meant to weigh the pros and cons of the options I have.  Not a rant of recovery versus staying in the eating disorder.  I guess I never quite realized how much and how loud they are.  There is no room for anything else.

Just last night, I had to rattle off a long list of stuff to my husband so I could get it out of my head.  And I’m sure I forgot a few things.

I want room in my head for other things.  I want to seriously debate the pros and cons of my options.  I have 3 possible options now, and all of them are positive and I smile when I think about them.  But I wonder what it would be like to have more opportunities like that.

How can I plan to possibly go to school, if the only thing going through my head are the eating disorder thoughts?

How would I be able to start a new job, if the only thing going through my head are the eating disorder thoughts?

By the afternoon, I can barely remember what I’ve read in the morning.  If I can’t do that, how would I be able to study for exams and be proficient in what I hope you be a new career for me?  How can I have confidence in learning a new computer system and add different responsibilities?  How can I include other things in my life without having the eating disorder take over?

I know what needs to be done.  I know I need to talk to my therapist and husband.  I know I need to eat.  I know all this.  I just can’t seem to get past the block in my mind to actually do it.  I can kinda do what’s needs to be done.  Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going, but the thoughts are still there.

Screaming at me to stop.

Throwing a fit when I disobey.

Punishments appear out of this air.

Do this.  Do that.

I’ll do anything to quiet the noise in my head.

Anything.

It’s just getting to be too much.

I know I have both good days and bad days.  And days in between.  I just feel like I’m really struggling to make it through each day with out stopping and crying.

I want to think about something else and not have my thoughts wander back to the eating disorder.