I think I do a fairly good job of keeping up appearances when I’m not at home. I am usually serious. I am aware of my surroundings and I get where I need to get to. Once there, I’ll let myself relax a little bit. Not a lot, but some. It’s only when I’m home where I feel I can really let the wall down and truly be myself. But something has changed within the past couple of day.
I feel like I’ve gotten more emotional at work, with tears ready to overflow with barely any warning. I was texting with my best friend about recent issues between my husband and me, and my eyes just filled up. It’s not a new issue my husband and I are having. But for some reason, discussing it this week, just made me cry. I’m usually very good at holding it together when I need to, but I just feel like I’m losing it.
I’m going to partially blame the heatwave this week. It’s supposed to let up by Sunday. And I sure hope so. My boss and I were punchy yesterday at work. That made everything a lot more fun. I think the heat’s just getting to me. At least in these kind of instances. When speaking about a particular play, I was able to make valid and coherent points. But if I have to talk about work stuff, I’m a blubbering mess.
This weekend and week ahead are the actual busy times for work. This means, I don’t really get a break until next weekend. The work this weekend, won’t be strenuous at all. I just won’t be able to read for my class. I don’t like not having enough time. But at least we’re going to be delving into World War I and I know I have a better understanding of that than the French Revolution.
I think my sleep and eating habits are also partially to blame for my over-emotionalness. Since I’ve been working on my midterm, I’ve worked after I get home from my class. I’ve been pretty good about stopping at 11pm. But then I get sidetracked and distracted and don’t actually fall asleep until midnight. That just hurts. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I need more sleep. And I’m fine with that. Part is I’m still winding down from a long day, part I’m still thinking about my class and what needs to get done the rest of the week, and part is punishment. I have to stay up late because I don’t deserve to have a good night’s sleep. I really don’t need the 8 hours I was getting it before. I can lower it to 5 or 6. I can do it. I can push through. Uh, yeah. So not true. But after years and years of obeying the rules, I just do it without question.
I am restricting. And going to my class is helping with that. I have what could be considered “half” of a dinner before class, and I fully intend to have another “half” when I get home. But I don’t. It’s too late to eat now. You’ve missed your chance. Now you have to wait until morning. I know what I should do. I know what needs to be done. But, for some reason, there’s this big huge block in between the knowing and the doing. I either want to go ahead and do what I need to do, or not even know and live in ignorance.
I’m just tired of the battle in my head.
From Possibility to Actuality 