struggling

i’ve been sitting here struggling to write something.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to convince myself that it’s okay to eat something.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to drink water, juice, something, anything.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to reach out and get support.

i’ve been sitting here struggling not to take laxatives.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to get my panic attacks under control.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to allow myself to take my meds to help calm me down.

i’ve been sitting here struggling to admit to myself that i need more support.

i’ve been sitting here struggling with the fact that i know what i need to do, but can’t seem to do it.

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On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.  Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.  Not that I really did.  And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.  It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.  I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.  There’s nothing for me to do.  Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”  Like me.  Not him.  I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.

Bubbling Up

I have no words.  I can’t seem to express myself the way I want to.  There are these differing feelings just below the surface, but they’re not coming out. The words aren’t forming. I’m not even sure where to begin.

I found out last week that my midterm for my class is a take home.  It’s such a relief because I was worried how I was going to study to produce something I was proud of.  Now I can write it all out, but I’m having difficulty.  I understand the subject matter and I’ve formed my opinion.  I’m just having a difficult time getting started.  Well, I have a good intro paragraph (I think), but then I’m stuck.  Everything I’m writing isn’t good enough and I end up deleting it.  I’d like to have a rough draft done by this evening, so all I have to do is revise until it’s due on Thursday.  But if I don’t get anything done today, then I won’t have anything to revise and I’ll be stressed and struggling to finish it in the evenings.  I don’t want that.

Part of my worry is that I’m not smart enough to get this done.  While I’m pretty sure this isn’t true, I’m still doubting my abilities.  More likely, this is difficult because I haven’t had to really write anything in the past 10 years.  Not anything that’s going to be graded anyway.  I’m just out of practice.  I know it will become easier the longer I’m in school.  But there’s still that part that this is how it’s going to be from now on.  I’ve already used up my writing talents when I went through school in the first time.  What makes me think I can do it again?

I took my new medicine for the first time yesterday.  I didn’t experience any side effects, so that’s positive.  And my digestive issues were greatly decreased, which is great.  It’s just what I wanted, but…  I was consciously restricting because I knew I wasn’t going to have the issues anymore, so there wasn’t going to be any compensation.  I’m going to gain weight.  I don’t want to gain anymore weight.  And that’s what the scale showed this morning.

I  logically know that my weight is going to fluctuate day to day.  It’s not supposed to stay the same.  But I still don’t like that the numbers went up.  And now I feel like doing whatever I can to get the numbers to go back down.  I know I can’t do that.  It will really interfere with my school work and life, but the thoughts are still there.  Some of the follow through is still there.  And I’m not sure what to do.

I just don’t know what to do.

Except get back to trying to get my midterm done.

Second Opinion

I went to a new doctor for my digestive issues today.  I just needed a second opinion.  While, I do think it’s a good idea for me to have baseline tests done, I knew there was something that could be done in the meantime.

This doctor was great.  He listened to what I had to say and to my history.  He also didn’t think the capsule endoscopy was absolutely necessary at this moment.  He wants to wait and see if the medication he prescribed will work first.  I’m excited about trying the medication because I’ve heard wonderful things online about it.  Most people who have taken it, have their symptoms stop fairly quickly.  So, I’m quite hopeful.

I will no longer have to go into a place and find the bathroom first.  I won’t have to stop mid conversation to go to the bathroom.  I won’t be so exhausted.  I’m just really looking forward to hopefully having some relief.

The Aftermath

I’m trying my best to keep it together today.  I wish I were back at home, sitting on the couch, or in bed.  Yesterday was just draining.  I didn’t have any energy to do anything else.  Being off just took a lot out of me, and today I’m paying for it.

I’m so exhausted.  I could fall asleep right now for a nice, long nap.  It would be great.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  I had a couple of nightmares and woke up a couple of times.  Not long enough to really be awake, but awake enough to register the time.  Not sleeping well really takes a toll on me.  I get more anxious.  And just when I thought my anxiety was lessening.

This anxiety is causing all sorts of trouble.  Well, it may not be just the anxiety.  But the anxiety makes the eating disorder worse and my sleep worse.  And then that makes my anxiety worse.  And it goes around and around and around.  I get dizzy just thinking about it.

My digestive issues are back.  And that doesn’t help anything.  I called my gastroenterologist and he’s going to try to get my insurance to cover a capsule endoscopy.  The no dairy/no wheat diet didn’t change anything.  All the tests were negative.  So hopefully, this will show something.  I just want an answer!

The Express Train Around my Brain

I am really, really, REALLY anxious right now.  I’m not too sure why.  I think that’s what frustrates me most about having having anxiety and panic attacks.  I rarely know the reasoning behind it.  It just comes at me.  My legs start to tingle and I feel like I’m going to pass out.  (Well, I think that’s what about to pass out feels like.  I never have, thankfully.)

My thoughts just race around.  I really can’t hang on to one long enough to make sense of it or think about it deeper because another one quickly speeds through to take its place.

I don’t mind so much if this happens when I’m home.  I know exactly what to do.  Get out my phone and play games.  Tie my hair back.  Turn on all the lights.  Make it as cool as I can.  Watch mindless TV.  It works.  I sometimes takes some time, but it works.

If it happens when I’m out, I have to look realistically at the situation.  If I’m on the way to work or the way home from wherever, then I just keep on that journey.  Knowing that I’ll get a reprieve soon, helps.  But if I’m just out for fun, then I’ll almost immediately go back home.  I feel safer doing that.

The tricky time is when I’m at work.  I can’t exactly leave (although, I’m pretty sure if I explained it to my boss, she would let me go home), but I’m not exactly present enough to get real work done.  I have to distract myself enough to get through the anxiety, but not so much that I dissociate completely.  That’s a hard line not to cross.

Even harder is not succumbing to the eating disorder thoughts.  Just now I really had to push myself to eat lunch.  I had to take a break in the middle.  But eating when the anxiety is this high just doesn’t feel good.

It’s just really hard.

And the more this is happening, the more I’m realizing that going back on meds will probably be a good idea.  Maybe I’ll just be one of those people who has to be on meds for a while, every couple of years or so.  I’m totally okay with that.  I will green light anything that makes me feel better.

Procrastin–

I should be working on my cover letter and resume for tomorrow’s meeting/interview.  Instead, I’m looking up videos on youtube.  I can get quite obsessive in my thinking and wanting to see different things.  One video takes me to another, which takes me to another, which take me to another, which takes me back to the beginning.  Meanwhile, 2 hours have passed.  At least, I’ve been able to entertain myself.  (Ah, the joys of being an only child.)

And this is what happens when I’m the only one in the office.  Ha!

Well, it’s not like I have much work to do.  I’ve done what needs to be done.  If something comes in, I do it.  Otherwise, I’m picking the lint off my sweater.

The position I’m interviewing for tomorrow has officially been posted.  The description is slightly intimidating.  It’s a lot of work, but I know that I can do it.  It’s everything the CEO and I already spoke about.  She already knows the quality of work I do.  She knows who I am.  I really do thrive with this type of work.  I feel as if it comes naturally to me.  I can see the whole picture and every step I need to take to get there.  I also know how to put in contingency plans just in case something unexpected happens.  I can do this.  I just need a kick ass cover letter and resume so it can stand alone, if need be.

As much as I want this job my other choice is just as good.  I get to go back to school.  New degree is something I love learning about.  At this fork in the road, both are exciting options.  Both will be challenging.  And I love a good challenge.

I just wish the anxiety would lessen a bit.  I had a panic attack last night.  That was beyond exhausting.  I fought it as much as I could.  I think that helped.  But it still knocked me down.  I think I need to discuss with my therapist the option of maybe going back on meds for the anxiety if it doesn’t decrease within the next couple of weeks.  I’m okay with taking meds for the anxiety.  I did it before and it worked wonders.  After several attempts and horrific side effects, I was able to find the right pill and dosage that worked for me.  Once it worked, it was beautiful.

I mentioned the possibility of meds to my husband this morning and he said he didn’t want me to be dependent on meds.  I understand that, but I also don’t see what the problem is if they help me to feel better.  There’s nothing wrong with taking medication if it helps.  When I pull a muscle or have a headache, I take a pain killer.  When I have more anxiety than I know what to do with, I take my anxiety killer.  Same thing.

And now that I’ve wasted even more time, it’s time to work on feeling prepared for tomorrow.

I can do this.

–ation.