A Brief Pause Please

Just got my midterm grade back for my sociology class.  I got an A!  95%  I’m really pleased and proud of myself!

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

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Singing the Monday Blues

I am so not happy that today is Monday.  I don’t want it to be Monday.  Well, it can be Monday, but I don’t want to have to acknowledge it’s Monday.  I just want to go back to the weekend where I can procrastinate working on my paper some more.  Actually, that’s not true.  I did work on it quite a bit.  I have the short answers done.  I’m just working on the long essay.  I did email my professor to ask if I can focus on one major time period.  He said it was fine as long as I state exactly that.  I’m relieved about that.  I think part of me was just anxious that the essay could have such a broad response that I was a bit overwhelmed about writing it.  Now that I’m able to focus in on a particular year, it’s going to be much better.

I was meant to write some of my essay today.  But I haven’t even gotten to it yet.  Other things are getting in the way.  I just wish I could snap my fingers and it would get done.

I want to go back to sleep.  This heat wave is suffocating.  I don’t feel well at all.

The scale went up again this morning.  I’m not happy about that.  I didn’t want to eat lunch, but I felt I had to.  And now I feel so guilty for eating.  I feel like I could have held out longer.  I should have held out longer.  I should walk home to make up for it.  At least I’ll be walking to therapy.  That should make up for some of it.  I just want it all gone.

I fell like a complete spoiled brat.  Here I am complaining about writing a midterm, the heat, and myself.  I should be grateful I have any of those.  I really should.  I just need to suck it up and keep going.  I can do this.

Bubbling Up

I have no words.  I can’t seem to express myself the way I want to.  There are these differing feelings just below the surface, but they’re not coming out. The words aren’t forming. I’m not even sure where to begin.

I found out last week that my midterm for my class is a take home.  It’s such a relief because I was worried how I was going to study to produce something I was proud of.  Now I can write it all out, but I’m having difficulty.  I understand the subject matter and I’ve formed my opinion.  I’m just having a difficult time getting started.  Well, I have a good intro paragraph (I think), but then I’m stuck.  Everything I’m writing isn’t good enough and I end up deleting it.  I’d like to have a rough draft done by this evening, so all I have to do is revise until it’s due on Thursday.  But if I don’t get anything done today, then I won’t have anything to revise and I’ll be stressed and struggling to finish it in the evenings.  I don’t want that.

Part of my worry is that I’m not smart enough to get this done.  While I’m pretty sure this isn’t true, I’m still doubting my abilities.  More likely, this is difficult because I haven’t had to really write anything in the past 10 years.  Not anything that’s going to be graded anyway.  I’m just out of practice.  I know it will become easier the longer I’m in school.  But there’s still that part that this is how it’s going to be from now on.  I’ve already used up my writing talents when I went through school in the first time.  What makes me think I can do it again?

I took my new medicine for the first time yesterday.  I didn’t experience any side effects, so that’s positive.  And my digestive issues were greatly decreased, which is great.  It’s just what I wanted, but…  I was consciously restricting because I knew I wasn’t going to have the issues anymore, so there wasn’t going to be any compensation.  I’m going to gain weight.  I don’t want to gain anymore weight.  And that’s what the scale showed this morning.

I  logically know that my weight is going to fluctuate day to day.  It’s not supposed to stay the same.  But I still don’t like that the numbers went up.  And now I feel like doing whatever I can to get the numbers to go back down.  I know I can’t do that.  It will really interfere with my school work and life, but the thoughts are still there.  Some of the follow through is still there.  And I’m not sure what to do.

I just don’t know what to do.

Except get back to trying to get my midterm done.