Decision Made… Maybe

I took the day off work today.  I should have been writing my literature paper, but felt the need for some self love.  i did a mud mask and watched TV.  It was just want I needed.

I did go to therapy though.  It was an interesting session.  We spoke about my soon to be ex  She had seen us both together many times, but even she was confused at how he was acting and what he’s said.  I was partially open with her about the eating disorder.  I was honest about how I was feeling ambivalent about recovery.  She was able to see where I was coming from and I think that helped put things in perspective for her.

The last time I saw my therapist, I mentioned how I didn’t know how much I was going to be able to see her because the one thing he actually paid for was therapy.  I can’t afford it on my own, especially now with having to hire a lawyer.  She asked if this were actually the case, or if it was eating disorder fueled.  I was honest when I told her it was both.  I don’t think I’m quite ready to let the eating disorder go.  So after all things were said, we decided that I won’t see her until December.

When I was thinner, I was happier.  I was able to be more varied in my food.  I could go out to eat with friends.  I felt more confident in how I looked and dressed more fashionably.  I took more chances in life.  I got out of my apartment every day.  I was generally happier.  Yes, there were struggles, but I feel like they were easier to overcome then.

So why wouldn’t I think the same thing would come to be if I lost weight?

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Please Don’t Blame Me

I want with my husband to pick out a new suit today. We’ve had this coupon from Men’s Wearhouse since we got married last November. He was supposed to get it way back then, but he has procrastinated until now. I’ve brought it up several times since then, but he always said he didn’t the money if the suit went over the coupon price. I get that. I totally do. Money is really tight right now. His new job helps a lot, but he’s playing catch up on bills and loans he underpaid while unemployed. So it was definitely a surprise when he brought up going for the suit today.

At the store, I told the sales person we needed to keep within the coupon budget and even asked for further discounts. I know what sales people can do. I am one and I know I’ll make the occasional exception for someone. The sales person pulled out a very nice three piece suit and it fit my husband like a glove. Absolutely perfect and almost no tailoring needed. Except the price was a bit more than the coupon. I asked my husband if he was alright with paying more and he said he was.

When it came time to pay, I was slightly shocked at the final price. I was quickly trying to figure out if there was a cheaper place to do the alterations. And I asked my husband again if he was okay paying that amount. And again, he said he was.

Imagine my surprise when once we’re outside he gets sullen and quiet. I ask what’s wrong and he then he proceeds to tell me how is account with be overdrawn, but it’s okay because he gets paid on Monday. I’m sorry, but that’s not okay. And now I’m upset and quiet because he’s not being open with me financially. (This is a huge issue for me.)

At home, it all comes out. He blames me for not helping him at the store–he doesn’t know about the style/fit and thought I would help him out more. I’m upset that he didn’t say anything about money before we left.

He’s always so confident and likes to take charge. He doesn’t accept my help very often. And when he does it’s for something very trivial. I didn’t know he wanted me to help him more. I tried at the store and he puts his fingers over my mouth to quiet me down. So I didn’t say much after that. How could I have helped him more if he didn’t ask?

I know it’s difficult to ask for help. I have a very hard time myself. And we’ve had many fights because I don’t ask for help and I just expect him to help me. He says he’s not a mind reader and that I need to ask. Yet, here we are and the situation is reversed and he expects me to know he wants help? How is that okay?

I’m just angry that he blames me for this whole thing. That I was the one who pushed for the suit and didn’t help more and didn’t speak up. I asked him repeatedly if he was okay with paying more and he kept telling me yes. How am I supposed to know that yes really meant no?

If he just would have told me this morning that he didn’t have any extra money, or just said no instead if yes, we wouldn’t have this problem right now.

Knowing my Worth

My head is an interesting place to be.  Most days, I don’t think I’m worth very much; that I’m just a piece of lard that hasn’t done anything, isn’t doing anything, and won’t do anything.  I’m really hard on myself.  I know what I’m capable of.  But I also know what is acceptable/passable by society.  So, why do more than just that?  Because there are only a few scenarios in which “doing more” is appreciated.  (I put in quotes because what society considers doing more is what I consider a normal amount.)

I know I’m a bit of a perfectionist.  I know I like to have a lot to do.  That’s when I feel truly useful.  So when I don’t feel like I’m working at my full potential, I don’t feel useful.  It’s just the way I’m wired.

However, after all that, I can say with confidence that I do good work.  I know I can turn out a good product.  I know I’m professional.  If I don’t know something, I’ll ask.  Not for someone else to do it, but so I’ll be able to do it next time.  I know I’m diligent in my work.  I don’t want to turn in anything with errors.  I’ll triple check my work.  And if I’m still unsure, I’ll make sure my boss knows this.  I don’t say no to my boss until I’ve tried something 10 times and I still can’t get it.  I like working hard.  It gives me a sense of satisfaction.

Which is why it was so very disappointing when I heard the salary being offered for the new job I was interviewing for.  When the CEO told me, I tried very hard not to let my jaw drop.  For the amount of work in the job description, it’s low.  For New York City, it’s low.  For someone not coming in as an entry level worker, it’s low.  To me, the offer was a tad insulting.

I understand she runs a non profit and all budgets must be approved by the board.  However, her tax info is up on Guide Star, so I know how much she makes and how much the foundation is making.  I understand there needs to be enough money to cover the current employees and any new ones, plus the programming itself, but I just can’t possibly believe that the others are being paid so little.

I would love to work with this NGO.  I think they do important work.  But I also know the work I do (and to an extent–me) is excellent and needs to be valued as such.  With a heavy heart, I think I’m going to have to respectfully, yet regretfully, decline the position.

And a new adventure with school awaits.