Knowing my Worth

My head is an interesting place to be.  Most days, I don’t think I’m worth very much; that I’m just a piece of lard that hasn’t done anything, isn’t doing anything, and won’t do anything.  I’m really hard on myself.  I know what I’m capable of.  But I also know what is acceptable/passable by society.  So, why do more than just that?  Because there are only a few scenarios in which “doing more” is appreciated.  (I put in quotes because what society considers doing more is what I consider a normal amount.)

I know I’m a bit of a perfectionist.  I know I like to have a lot to do.  That’s when I feel truly useful.  So when I don’t feel like I’m working at my full potential, I don’t feel useful.  It’s just the way I’m wired.

However, after all that, I can say with confidence that I do good work.  I know I can turn out a good product.  I know I’m professional.  If I don’t know something, I’ll ask.  Not for someone else to do it, but so I’ll be able to do it next time.  I know I’m diligent in my work.  I don’t want to turn in anything with errors.  I’ll triple check my work.  And if I’m still unsure, I’ll make sure my boss knows this.  I don’t say no to my boss until I’ve tried something 10 times and I still can’t get it.  I like working hard.  It gives me a sense of satisfaction.

Which is why it was so very disappointing when I heard the salary being offered for the new job I was interviewing for.  When the CEO told me, I tried very hard not to let my jaw drop.  For the amount of work in the job description, it’s low.  For New York City, it’s low.  For someone not coming in as an entry level worker, it’s low.  To me, the offer was a tad insulting.

I understand she runs a non profit and all budgets must be approved by the board.  However, her tax info is up on Guide Star, so I know how much she makes and how much the foundation is making.  I understand there needs to be enough money to cover the current employees and any new ones, plus the programming itself, but I just can’t possibly believe that the others are being paid so little.

I would love to work with this NGO.  I think they do important work.  But I also know the work I do (and to an extent–me) is excellent and needs to be valued as such.  With a heavy heart, I think I’m going to have to respectfully, yet regretfully, decline the position.

And a new adventure with school awaits.

 

Invading Thoughts

I think I’m starting to see how much the eating disorder really is taking over my thoughts.  Yesterday’s post was meant to weigh the pros and cons of the options I have.  Not a rant of recovery versus staying in the eating disorder.  I guess I never quite realized how much and how loud they are.  There is no room for anything else.

Just last night, I had to rattle off a long list of stuff to my husband so I could get it out of my head.  And I’m sure I forgot a few things.

I want room in my head for other things.  I want to seriously debate the pros and cons of my options.  I have 3 possible options now, and all of them are positive and I smile when I think about them.  But I wonder what it would be like to have more opportunities like that.

How can I plan to possibly go to school, if the only thing going through my head are the eating disorder thoughts?

How would I be able to start a new job, if the only thing going through my head are the eating disorder thoughts?

By the afternoon, I can barely remember what I’ve read in the morning.  If I can’t do that, how would I be able to study for exams and be proficient in what I hope you be a new career for me?  How can I have confidence in learning a new computer system and add different responsibilities?  How can I include other things in my life without having the eating disorder take over?

I know what needs to be done.  I know I need to talk to my therapist and husband.  I know I need to eat.  I know all this.  I just can’t seem to get past the block in my mind to actually do it.  I can kinda do what’s needs to be done.  Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going, but the thoughts are still there.

Screaming at me to stop.

Throwing a fit when I disobey.

Punishments appear out of this air.

Do this.  Do that.

I’ll do anything to quiet the noise in my head.

Anything.

It’s just getting to be too much.

I know I have both good days and bad days.  And days in between.  I just feel like I’m really struggling to make it through each day with out stopping and crying.

I want to think about something else and not have my thoughts wander back to the eating disorder.

Out of my Comfort Zone

Today, I took a HUGE risk for me.

I got a job description from the CEO of the NGO.  I’m fairly pleased with it.  However, I’m not pleased with the title.  It’s more managerial, than administrative, and I want that reflected–in the title and salary.  I would also like to add a few more responsibilities to the job.  (I love doing events and have a fairly easy time putting them together and would love the chance to do more in that arena.)  So, I took a breath and jumped.

I asked her if she would be open for some feedback on the job description and if she had a ball park figure for the salary already in mind.

Now, I’m just waiting for her to reply.

As someone who really doesn’t like to make huge waves, and would rather keep the status quo, and be the peace maker, I feel really proud of myself for being able to ask those questions.  A few years ago, even maybe a few months ago, I probably just would have accepted what she gave me and either declined the position or entered it with resentments.

But you never know what might happen if you don’t try.  And I’m happy I did.  Even if nothing comes of it, I will know that I am able to stand up for myself.  That makes me smile.

 

Edit: She accepted my offer for feedback!  It pays to go outside of my comfort zone!

Shaping My Future

Earlier this week, I got an email from the CEO of the NGO I want to work for.  I’m glad she remembered me.  I should have a job description within the next week and we have a meeting in 10 days.  I’m hoping between the job description, salary, and benefits, I can justify leaving my current position.  Whilst I’m very grateful I have a job, I really am not challenged or stimulated by it.  However, I get paid a very nice amount for the amount of actual work I do.  I’m very lucky and I understand that.  And I don’t want to leave unless it’s going to be worth it.  I just can’t justify leaving for triple the amount of work for the same or less salary.

I think if I weren’t married, then I’d be more likely to consider something with the same-ish salary.  I’d only be responsible for myself.  But I have a real future to think about and plan for and I want something that’s going to facilitate that.  And I think that the responsible thing to do is to probably concentrate on finding another job or go back to school.  This job gave me stability when I needed it.  And when I first got this job, it worked really well.  I was just learning a new business and it helped to take my mind off stuff.  I had been going through a pretty rough time with the eating disorder, and answering phones and other light duties was about all I could handle.  But since I’ve really been working on me the past 3 years, I feel I’ve gotten stronger.  And while I do still struggle (some days more than others), I’m in a much better place than I was.  And I want more.

I want to have a career, not just a job.  I want to be able to make a difference.  Just to one person.  I want to use the skills I have.  I want to challenge myself and push myself outside my comfort zone.

If I decide not to take the new position, I think I’m going to go back to school.  I think I’d like a second bachelor’s in something more science-y.  I’d like to see how far my brain can take me.  I guess, my ultimate goal in this route, would be teaching at the collegiate level.  There are a lot of subjects that I’m interested in–I have no idea how to narrow it down.

I’m excited to see where the future leads me.  I just the meeting would have happened already so I can start making some very important decisions.

Where the Pieces May Fall

So…

Yeah.

I reached out to the CEO yesterday.  All I did was ask her if she had been able to get a job description together for me.  (When I last spoke to her, she said to give her two weeks.  Two weeks is today.)  That’s all I could ask without being pushy.  She said she was focusing on a new director first and then she should be able to give me something.

Excuse me?

A) I thought I was up for that position.  And 2) I’m pretty sure you forgot that I have to give 45 days notice per my current contract.  If you want me to start July 8, that deadline is this coming Monday.

I’m not going to leave my current work during an important part of the year.  I told her this.  Especially, since the company and my boss have always been very good to me.  They are considerate and appreciative.  So I’m not going to leave them high and dry in the middle of the important part.  That’s not who I am.

I was excited about the prospect of having a career, not just a job.  But I should have known better.  I should have known something like this was going to happen.  Something similar happened 6 years ago with her, so I shouldn’t have been surprised.  And I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.

Then I wouldn’t be this disappointed.

I guess I need to start focusing on my application to start school in the fall.  I am looking forward to it.  But right now, it just doesn’t look as appealing as the new job would have.  And here’s a funny thought–I was going to ask the CEO to write a recommendation for me.  I don’t feel comfortable doing that now.  This is sad, but I don’t feel comfortable volunteering for her organization anymore.  I just can’t keep putting myself back in a situation where I get my hopes up, only to get knocked down again.

This is life though.  Things don’t always go the way you want them to.  I was hoping it would this time.  I was hoping that I’d get to have a job that actually meant something to me.  I was hoping for a job where I was busy utilizing my skill set and knowledge.  I was hoping this was going to be the start of a new chapter in my journey.  I shouldn’t have hoped for any of those things.

I know I will be okay.  But right now, I’d like to spend some time not being okay.

 

A Sigh of Relief…

My husband is a lawyer.  He went to a great school and has a great resume.  However, he has been out of work for almost two years.  That’s been really rough on both of us.

He tried to open his own, but doesn’t really have the business knowledge to follow through on a plan.  He didn’t know he could ask me, or my dad, for advice/guidance.  (I’m still unsure how.)  He started doing contract work.  It was something, but not enough.  He can’t have the luxury of working from home.  He needs to be in an office environment with someone to report to, in order to work at his potential.  And he has a lot of potential.  He’s a smart guy.  If he was working 100% towards opening up his own practice, I have no doubt that he can do it.  But that’s not how things are working out.

He finally got a temp job.  This firm encouraged him to work from home, as they didn’t have the space for him.  And I was so happy that he was getting a lot of work done.  Meanwhile, he was networking.  And this paid off.

A “special project” this past Monday and Tuesday turned out to be an extended interview.  He is now an associate at a small, but growing law firm.  It’s the normal 90 day probationary period, but unless he makes a huge error, the job will be his!

I am so happy for him!  This is just the kind of break we needed.  It’s going to allow us to rest a little bit and not be so financially stretched and stressed.  We can relax and not have to watch every single little penny that leaves our hands.  I still will, that’s just part of who I am, but I won’t have to freak out about spending $2 on a coffee.

And that helps be breathe easier.  🙂

Nailed It!

I feel my interview with the CEO went well.  It was very informal, but I think I hit every point I wanted and even put in more that I didn’t realize I had.  It was good.  I was very open and just put everything out there.  She’s in  the middle of restructuring and will get me a job description within a couple of weeks.  I just hope it comes with a ball park salary figure and list of benefits.  And I hope it’s sooner rather than later.  She did say she would rather have me than go through 50 interviews.  So I’m taking this all as a good sign.

Now I can relax.  Some.