And I’m Still Hurting

I want him out of my head. I shouldn’t be thinking about him. I don’t want to see his face when I close my eyes.  I don’t want to want to feel his touch. I don’t want the good memories to make me smile and miss him even more than I already so. My lungs feel tight and my breaths are shallow. It just hurts.
I’m tired of feeling. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I can’t handle anymore pain. I just want to be numb.
Numb.
n u m b.
Strategically planning when I can be alone and what I want to have. There will be NO interruptions. I have the time to myself.
To stop the emotions from coming up, I block their way with chips and cake and rice and ice cream. I need these feeling stay down and out of the way. I can’t function when I feel like that.
I stop in the midst of shoveling food in my mouth and look and what I’ve done. Full of embarrassment and shame, I hang my head and try to think of a way out.
You said you’d never do this again. Now look at yourself. How can you even look at yourself. You’re so disgusting and vile. How can anyone stand to be around you? Well the damage has been done, but let’s make sure you really feel it.
Back to the kitchen I go to get the food that hurts. One handful on the way out. Two handfuls as I sit down. I can’t cram the food in fast enough.  But when I’ve deemed it’s been enough, I walk to the bathroom.
I dread the bathroom.
I love the bathroom.
The ritual starts.
Get everything out.  Geteverythingout.  GETEVERYTHINGOUTNOW!  It hurts because you’re horrible.  If you weren’t horrible, you wouldn’t be doing this to yourself…  your husband would have stayed…  you would have control.  Control.  Get everything out and never do this again.  You need to control yourself.
My heart has been cut up into a million pieces.
I try to put it back together, but can’t see through my tears.

My Mother and I

My mother arrived yesterday for a visit.  A two and a half week visit.  It wasn’t supposed to be this long.  It wasn’t even supposed to be her visiting.  I’m ready to pull my hair out already.

We really only started getting along last year and even so, I’ve only been able to handle her in small-ish doses.  I don’t know how this is going to go.

She just asks too many questions.  All about my soon to be ex and our relationship.  I’m done talking about him.  I’m tired of talking about him.  It just brings up all these feelings and I don’t want to feel them.  And I immediately start thinking of ways not to feel anything.

I really want to binge and purge.  I feel like I’ve eaten too much yesterday and today and I should take laxatives tonight and make sure to restrict the rest of the evening and tomorrow.  I just want everything out.

I want it all out.

I can’t stand being in my skin anymore.  I can’t stand my thoughts anymore.

I just want out.

Enough

The crying needs to stop. NOW. I don’t like being all teary eyed all day long. I don’t like it when I’m anxious and jittery that I can’t think about anything other than escaping. I don’t like that I haven’t been able to finish a meal without crying the past couple of days. I don’t like it that I’m slacking on my responsibilities but can’t find the energy to get them done properly (so why do them at all?)

I’m usually much better at handling my emotions. I’m really good at compartmentalizing everything. At least I used to be. Now, it’s like everything is bubbling and I can’t keep the lid down. I have no idea how I used to do it.

I tried writing in my journal over the weekend to help me process some of this stuff, but I got so incredibly angry that I started shaking and had to stop.

I don’t want anyone to think I can’t handle this because I can. But I’m sick and tired of people telling me that this is the best thing to happen and that I will be okay. Well, no shit. I will be okay because I have no other choice than to be okay. And it’s not that I want to talk about myself every single second of every single day, but it would be nice if someone other than my parents, 1 friend, and 1 acquaintance asked how I was doing. I just feel so alone. And sad. And angry.

I am having a hard time reaching out. I always have. I just feel like since everyone knows I’m normally strong and resilient, then I must be okay now. But it’s not true. I feel like I’m crumbling. (I can’t even afford therapy right now. I’m a mess.) All I want to do is hide away in bed.

This pity party needs to stop. I just need to pull myself up with my boot straps and dry my tears. I can be strong like everyone thinks I am. I can handle it.

No. Really. I can.

I just don’t want to.

Keep Piling it On

Thoughts running around

Nothing is safe

Memories flood my head

I can’t get over the past few days

Panic attacks come and wipe me out

Numb to my surroundings

Barely able to lift a finger

I want them to disappear

I want to disappear

Just enough to keep going

My thoughts are holding me hostage

I want to break free

The more I fight

The stronger they hold on

Play. Stop. Rewind. Repeat

I tend to numb myself out so I don’t have to feel.

And I’ll distract myself so I don’t have to think.

But it’s not enough sometimes.

Sometimes I can still see her lying there, not moving.

I’ll read or watch something online or on TV.  I’ll talk with my grandmother.  I’ll play a game on my phone.  I’ll do anything to occupy my thoughts.  But then–BANG!  I see the picture in my head as clear as day.  I reply the incident over and over and over again.

The vision came in my dreams a few nights after it happened.  Since then, I’ll try to do anything to tire myself out so much that I can be so exhausted, it won’t be in my dreams.  I’m really anxious during the day anyway, so that helps with the exhaustion.  I’m not sleeping well.  And we all know that doesn’t help the anxiety.  (It’s a blessing and a curse right now.)

I’ve never really been in a situation like this before.

I’m not sure when I’ll start to feel “normal” again.

Do the images start to fade?

Invading Thoughts

I think I’m starting to see how much the eating disorder really is taking over my thoughts.  Yesterday’s post was meant to weigh the pros and cons of the options I have.  Not a rant of recovery versus staying in the eating disorder.  I guess I never quite realized how much and how loud they are.  There is no room for anything else.

Just last night, I had to rattle off a long list of stuff to my husband so I could get it out of my head.  And I’m sure I forgot a few things.

I want room in my head for other things.  I want to seriously debate the pros and cons of my options.  I have 3 possible options now, and all of them are positive and I smile when I think about them.  But I wonder what it would be like to have more opportunities like that.

How can I plan to possibly go to school, if the only thing going through my head are the eating disorder thoughts?

How would I be able to start a new job, if the only thing going through my head are the eating disorder thoughts?

By the afternoon, I can barely remember what I’ve read in the morning.  If I can’t do that, how would I be able to study for exams and be proficient in what I hope you be a new career for me?  How can I have confidence in learning a new computer system and add different responsibilities?  How can I include other things in my life without having the eating disorder take over?

I know what needs to be done.  I know I need to talk to my therapist and husband.  I know I need to eat.  I know all this.  I just can’t seem to get past the block in my mind to actually do it.  I can kinda do what’s needs to be done.  Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going, but the thoughts are still there.

Screaming at me to stop.

Throwing a fit when I disobey.

Punishments appear out of this air.

Do this.  Do that.

I’ll do anything to quiet the noise in my head.

Anything.

It’s just getting to be too much.

I know I have both good days and bad days.  And days in between.  I just feel like I’m really struggling to make it through each day with out stopping and crying.

I want to think about something else and not have my thoughts wander back to the eating disorder.

Sometimes it Just Passes Me By

Last week, I witnessed a pretty traumatic event.  At least, I think it was traumatic.  I don’t think I realized how much I numb myself out or how natural it is until this weekend.  Those I’ve told are in disbelief and seem a lot more emotional than I.  I can register that it was serious and most wouldn’t know what to do in a similar situation or would ever find themselves facing it.  But I’ve also distanced myself far from it.

I am anxious about what happened.  And I’m anxious that I’m not responding “correctly” about it.  I’m obsessing about it–trying to find all the articles I can on line.  I’m trying not to think about it.  But it pops up at random times.  I try to remind myself of details, but then I stop myself.  The more I think about it, the more anxious I get.  But I can’t stop thinking about it.

Well, I can.  Because that’s when I start to numb myself out.

I’m not sure how to handle the situation.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react.

I’m not sure when it becomes okay to talk about it.

I’m not sure I’m not going to have the images flash through my mind.

I’m not sure when I’m going to be okay about this.