Yesterday and today have been icky panic attack wise. I got one on the way to work. I almost went back home when I got off to change trains. And on the way home, I got another one because the subway car was too crowded and got off to wait for an emptier train. As I was waiting I started to cry.
I was already tired and I’m sure that restricting at lunch didn’t really help, but I haven’t had two panic attacks in a day in five years.
I didn’t have one this morning. Well, not a full blown one. But I did have increased anxiety. I didn’t know if I’d be able to make it to the subway station so I called a car service. (Ugh. I know that sounds ridiculously selfish and spoiled. But it was either that or stay home from work. And that’s never the better option in these situations.)
I know I restricted more than normal yesterday, so I’m trying to eat better today. Breakfast went okay. It was easy to handle. Just slow and steady. And then came lunch. It started out rough and just got out of control. I debated for a while about getting lunch, but I finally ordered something comforting. I knew it would be stressful, but not like this.
I had gotten over the majority my mealtime guilt quite some time ago. This doesn’t mean I still didn’t feel any guilt, but it usually happened after meals. Today’s was during. I almost put the food down and started crying. Then it just got really difficult to swallow. And then the panic set in. And BOOM! Panic attack.
So incredibly not fun. Now I’m just trying to keep it together so I can go to class this evening. I don’t want to skip class, but I’m not 100% certain that I can make it through the whole lecture. But I really want to go to class. But I also just want to sleep.