Panic Attack Junction

Yesterday and today have been icky panic attack wise. I got one on the way to work. I almost went back home when I got off to change trains. And on the way home, I got another one because the subway car was too crowded and got off to wait for an emptier train. As I was waiting I started to cry.

I was already tired and I’m sure that restricting at lunch didn’t really help, but I haven’t had two panic attacks in a day in five years.

I didn’t have one this morning. Well, not a full blown one. But I did have increased anxiety. I didn’t know if I’d be able to make it to the subway station so I called a car service. (Ugh. I know that sounds ridiculously selfish and spoiled. But it was either that or stay home from work. And that’s never the better option in these situations.)

I know I restricted more than normal yesterday, so I’m trying to eat better today. Breakfast went okay. It was easy to handle. Just slow and steady. And then came lunch. It started out rough and just got out of control. I debated for a while about getting lunch, but I finally ordered something comforting. I knew it would be stressful, but not like this.

I had gotten over the majority my mealtime guilt quite some time ago. This doesn’t mean I still didn’t feel any guilt, but it usually happened after meals. Today’s was during. I almost put the food down and started crying. Then it just got really difficult to swallow. And then the panic set in. And BOOM! Panic attack.

So incredibly not fun. Now I’m just trying to keep it together so I can go to class this evening. I don’t want to skip class, but I’m not 100% certain that I can make it through the whole lecture. But I really want to go to class. But I also just want to sleep.

Procrastin–

I should be working on my cover letter and resume for tomorrow’s meeting/interview.  Instead, I’m looking up videos on youtube.  I can get quite obsessive in my thinking and wanting to see different things.  One video takes me to another, which takes me to another, which take me to another, which takes me back to the beginning.  Meanwhile, 2 hours have passed.  At least, I’ve been able to entertain myself.  (Ah, the joys of being an only child.)

And this is what happens when I’m the only one in the office.  Ha!

Well, it’s not like I have much work to do.  I’ve done what needs to be done.  If something comes in, I do it.  Otherwise, I’m picking the lint off my sweater.

The position I’m interviewing for tomorrow has officially been posted.  The description is slightly intimidating.  It’s a lot of work, but I know that I can do it.  It’s everything the CEO and I already spoke about.  She already knows the quality of work I do.  She knows who I am.  I really do thrive with this type of work.  I feel as if it comes naturally to me.  I can see the whole picture and every step I need to take to get there.  I also know how to put in contingency plans just in case something unexpected happens.  I can do this.  I just need a kick ass cover letter and resume so it can stand alone, if need be.

As much as I want this job my other choice is just as good.  I get to go back to school.  New degree is something I love learning about.  At this fork in the road, both are exciting options.  Both will be challenging.  And I love a good challenge.

I just wish the anxiety would lessen a bit.  I had a panic attack last night.  That was beyond exhausting.  I fought it as much as I could.  I think that helped.  But it still knocked me down.  I think I need to discuss with my therapist the option of maybe going back on meds for the anxiety if it doesn’t decrease within the next couple of weeks.  I’m okay with taking meds for the anxiety.  I did it before and it worked wonders.  After several attempts and horrific side effects, I was able to find the right pill and dosage that worked for me.  Once it worked, it was beautiful.

I mentioned the possibility of meds to my husband this morning and he said he didn’t want me to be dependent on meds.  I understand that, but I also don’t see what the problem is if they help me to feel better.  There’s nothing wrong with taking medication if it helps.  When I pull a muscle or have a headache, I take a pain killer.  When I have more anxiety than I know what to do with, I take my anxiety killer.  Same thing.

And now that I’ve wasted even more time, it’s time to work on feeling prepared for tomorrow.

I can do this.

–ation.