Singing the Monday Blues

I am so not happy that today is Monday.  I don’t want it to be Monday.  Well, it can be Monday, but I don’t want to have to acknowledge it’s Monday.  I just want to go back to the weekend where I can procrastinate working on my paper some more.  Actually, that’s not true.  I did work on it quite a bit.  I have the short answers done.  I’m just working on the long essay.  I did email my professor to ask if I can focus on one major time period.  He said it was fine as long as I state exactly that.  I’m relieved about that.  I think part of me was just anxious that the essay could have such a broad response that I was a bit overwhelmed about writing it.  Now that I’m able to focus in on a particular year, it’s going to be much better.

I was meant to write some of my essay today.  But I haven’t even gotten to it yet.  Other things are getting in the way.  I just wish I could snap my fingers and it would get done.

I want to go back to sleep.  This heat wave is suffocating.  I don’t feel well at all.

The scale went up again this morning.  I’m not happy about that.  I didn’t want to eat lunch, but I felt I had to.  And now I feel so guilty for eating.  I feel like I could have held out longer.  I should have held out longer.  I should walk home to make up for it.  At least I’ll be walking to therapy.  That should make up for some of it.  I just want it all gone.

I fell like a complete spoiled brat.  Here I am complaining about writing a midterm, the heat, and myself.  I should be grateful I have any of those.  I really should.  I just need to suck it up and keep going.  I can do this.

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Procrastin–

I should be working on my cover letter and resume for tomorrow’s meeting/interview.  Instead, I’m looking up videos on youtube.  I can get quite obsessive in my thinking and wanting to see different things.  One video takes me to another, which takes me to another, which take me to another, which takes me back to the beginning.  Meanwhile, 2 hours have passed.  At least, I’ve been able to entertain myself.  (Ah, the joys of being an only child.)

And this is what happens when I’m the only one in the office.  Ha!

Well, it’s not like I have much work to do.  I’ve done what needs to be done.  If something comes in, I do it.  Otherwise, I’m picking the lint off my sweater.

The position I’m interviewing for tomorrow has officially been posted.  The description is slightly intimidating.  It’s a lot of work, but I know that I can do it.  It’s everything the CEO and I already spoke about.  She already knows the quality of work I do.  She knows who I am.  I really do thrive with this type of work.  I feel as if it comes naturally to me.  I can see the whole picture and every step I need to take to get there.  I also know how to put in contingency plans just in case something unexpected happens.  I can do this.  I just need a kick ass cover letter and resume so it can stand alone, if need be.

As much as I want this job my other choice is just as good.  I get to go back to school.  New degree is something I love learning about.  At this fork in the road, both are exciting options.  Both will be challenging.  And I love a good challenge.

I just wish the anxiety would lessen a bit.  I had a panic attack last night.  That was beyond exhausting.  I fought it as much as I could.  I think that helped.  But it still knocked me down.  I think I need to discuss with my therapist the option of maybe going back on meds for the anxiety if it doesn’t decrease within the next couple of weeks.  I’m okay with taking meds for the anxiety.  I did it before and it worked wonders.  After several attempts and horrific side effects, I was able to find the right pill and dosage that worked for me.  Once it worked, it was beautiful.

I mentioned the possibility of meds to my husband this morning and he said he didn’t want me to be dependent on meds.  I understand that, but I also don’t see what the problem is if they help me to feel better.  There’s nothing wrong with taking medication if it helps.  When I pull a muscle or have a headache, I take a pain killer.  When I have more anxiety than I know what to do with, I take my anxiety killer.  Same thing.

And now that I’ve wasted even more time, it’s time to work on feeling prepared for tomorrow.

I can do this.

–ation.