Just Getting Through

I am so bored right now that I started taking pictures at my desk. I feel too guilty reading the book for my literature class, so I just have it sitting there taunting me.

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I’m so bored right now. But I’m going to take it and run with. It’s better than being anxious and on edge.

I ended up going and staying for my sociology class. I’m glad I did. I got to talk to classmates and really tried to concentrate. I did find myself zoning out a few times, but I’m okay with that. It’s not material I don’t already know and regardless, I think I was engaged about 75% of the time. I’m pretty proud of myself for that. Plus, my test god pushed back a week. That really helps because I was worried I was going to have to pull double duty with studying for the test and writing my lit paper for next week. Now I just have to concentrate on my paper. ūüôā

I got home last night and was really agitated and frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to do anything or even really watch anything. I was unpacking a box my parents had sent and just started throwing stuff out of the box. I was just so angry. And I broke down. I didn’t want to cry. I had been holding it together fairly well. I had managed to stop any tears from falling earlier, but I just couldn’t stop last night. I eventually managed to pull myself together. I don’t like losing control when I haven’t scheduled it.

I have a book to finish by tomorrow (which isn’t happening, but I’m going to try), a paper that’s due next Thursday, and a test the Tuesday after that. Then I’m looking at Thanksgiving and then finals. I can’t break down until after finals. I just have to keep going until then. Just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day.

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And this is the view from my desk. It’s always fun looking out at the cement wall of the building next door.

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Speaking Out

I find myself in a very interesting situation.¬† I just noticed it during last night’s class.¬† I have very easily and quickly slipped into the “quiet girl” role I used to play in school.¬† I never said anything and I never asked any questions.¬† And I’m doing it again.¬† It’s just worrisome because part of our grade is based on participation, not just attendance, and talking equals participation.

I’m apprehensive about asking questions normally, but last night’s lecture kind of sealed the deal that I would just keep my mouth shut and figure it out on my own.¬† A student asked a question about what the professor was talking about.¬† And the professor basically jumped down his throat saying that he needs to figure it out on his own.¬† And while I understand, it’s ultimately up to me to learn the material, if I ask a question, it’s probably because I don’t understand and need clarification.¬† I think that’s normally why people ask questions.¬† But this professors’ reply makes me want to ask or answer anything.¬† I will just sit in my chair, listen, and hopefully take good notes.¬† The student was angry after class, and rightfully so, but he kept his anger until we were out of earshot.

But this made me think–Would I have responded any differently had I been the one to ask the question?¬† I’m not sure.¬† I probably would have sunk down in my seat and hid my tears.¬† And I wonder how I can be so intimidated in a certain situation, but I can be intimidating in others.¬† I can speak my mind with my husband, friends, family (well, for the most part), and even the occasional stranger.¬† But put me in a situation where I’m slightly uneasy and I can barely say hello.

I would like to think that I would have some courage to stand up to this professor and tell him that’s not a particularly appropriate response to a student’s question.¬† I am paying the school a tuition.¬† The school takes that tuition (along with other monies) and pays the professor a salary for providing a service–teaching specific classes.¬† I am taking that class, therefore I am paying for that service and should not have issues like this come up.

I work in customer service.¬† I deal with customers.¬† When they have questions, I patiently explain the issue to them.¬† I can’t tell them to figure it out for themselves when they have the paper work in front of them and I’ve already explained it once.¬† I understand that teaching is different, but even when I taught I never spoke like that to a student.¬† It’s just frustrating and defeating to have a teacher like that.

I also started speaking with some of the other students before class started.¬† It was good.¬† I thought I was the only one who was lost during the lectures (and reading) and had difficulty keeping up with the reading, but I’m not.¬† It made me feel better that current undergraduate students (who are majoring in this subject) are having difficulties.¬† Almost a sense of relief.¬† At least I’m not alone.¬† I also felt a little relief during the lecture when I realized I had taken notes on the reading about what the professor was saying.¬† I felt validated that I was doing the right thing and need to keep going it.

School and the E.D.

I’m taking a much needed study break. ¬†I’ve been up to my eyeballs in the Enlightenment and the French Revolution. ¬†Going back to school is a much more difficult task than I envisioned it to be. ¬†Well, I knew it was going to be difficult, but didn’t quite realize to what extent. ¬†The material isn’t difficult to understand, as I do have some knowledge in European history after the Enlightenment, but it’s just bit more tedious. ¬†All the reading is making my head spin. ¬†And I’ve realized that I read a lot faster when I’m reading for pleasure, regardless of my initial level of understanding of the material. ¬†But all in all, I am enjoying being studious. ¬†I love learning.

I just wish that the eating disordered thought wouldn’t creep in so much. ¬†In the middle of reading an article, I find myself staring off and adding up the calories I’ve consumed, or about to consume. ¬†There’s no relief. ¬†Just a whole bunch of numbers in my head. ¬†Then there are all the thoughts about food. ¬†What I’ve had, what I’m going to have, what I would really like to have. ¬†And the thoughts about my and my body. ¬†I’m too fat. ¬†Not smart enough. ¬†Not working hard enough. ¬†These thoughts are a plague on my brain.

This morning I found myself negotiating to eat breakfast. ¬†This in and of itself is not new. ¬†It’s the way I operate. ¬†But I had something new to add to the table. ¬†I couldn’t eat breakfast (no matter how hungry I might have been) unless I did at least an hour’s worth of studying. ¬†It’s just one stipulation after another. ¬†I can’t take a break until I’ve read the next chapter. ¬†I have to get through the next 10 pages before I can get something to drink. ¬†It’s just on and on like that. ¬†There’s no respite. ¬†And on one hand while I’m used to the negotiating, now there’s something new being thrown on the table and it’s taking me a bit to get used to it.

I don’t want to give up going to school. ¬†I really don’t. ¬†I think I’ve finally figured out my scholastic path (assuming grants and scholarships are given) and I’m really looking forward to it. ¬†After a decade of kind of knowing what I want to do, then debating it, I can see it now. ¬†But I also see the eating disorder blocking my path. ¬†And I don’t know if I can do it with the eating disorder there. ¬†I know ways of working around it, but I also know how much harder that is. ¬†And the proof is in this past weekend. ¬†Who knows how much of the reading I’ll actually remember? ¬†But I do know that I will remember every morsel of food that passed my lips and my weight each morning.

I’m just frustrated.

One Last Push

My second class is about to start. I’m already exhausted. There was a lengthy reading assignment for today. I’m just glad my boss was out of the office so I could do the reading. And I made it. Barely.

I had forgotten what it was like to read for school. For some reason, when I read for pleasure, I read so much faster. It just felt like I was struggling to make it through. I know it will get easier and when I don’t have to read so much at one go, it will feel better.

I went to get my books today. Um, since when does a college bookstore only open from 10am – 5pm? That doesn’t really work if you have a full time job. Once again, thank goodness my boss what out of the office today. Otherwise, I’m not sure how I would have got the materials.

Now I get to play the fun game of seeing how much I remembered from the reading. And I’m so exhausted I’m not really sure how I’ll do. I am desperately wishing for a nap. I’m lucky that I’ll have the holiday weekend to catch up on sleep. And reading.