Doors Closed

I’ve really been struggling with the eating disorder since my husband left.  It’s such a fight to eat.  And now that I’m sick, my appetite has disappeared.  I love seeing the number on the scale go down and am having a really hard time seeing the number go up, even if it’s less than a pound.

I can see myself going downhill quite rapidly.  I see little things creep up that I wouldn’t see normally until I was at a much lower weight.  Actually, they don’t so much creep up as smack me in the face.  Then I obsess and I have to find out more, even if I already know all about it and am rereading the same book/website.  Some of it is kind of worrisome.

I’m having trouble sleeping.  Last night, I barely got 3 hours.  I’m having a hard time paying attention and find myself spacing out quite often.  I’m depressed.  I don’t want to do anything, except lose more weight.  It take a lot to convince myself that it’s okay to eat.  Then it takes a lot to actually eat it.  I’m having a hard time with fluids, too.  The rules and obsessions and routines are becoming more intense and time consuming.

The eating disordered thoughts were really loud last week and in a moment of clarity, I called to see if I could find a therapist that is covered by my insurance.  (I wish I could see my old one, but I can’t afford her.)  The search isn’t going well.  I don’t have any out of network benefits and I haven’t been able to find anyone.  Then in a moment of clarity (weakness?), I called two treatment centers about their evening IOP programs.  It’s not looking good though.  These were the only two who would be willing to work within my school and work schedule.  Got a definite, “No,” from one and waiting to hear back from the other.  I’ll probably get the same answer though.  My insurance sucks.

But then I remember that I want to continue to lose weight.  I really don’t want to be stopped this time.  Not yet anyway.

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Turning Around

This morning, I woke up happy.  Happy about the possibilities I have in my future.  Happy with the current path I’m on.  Well, almost happy with that one.  I had a moment of… honesty… realization…  I don’t know.  I thought about maybe I should be completely honest with my therapist tomorrow and tell her everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.

She knows the food part.  The majority of it.  She knows some of the thoughts.  But she doesn’t know about some of the behaviors.  I’m embarrassed to tell her I binged (without purging).  I’ve barely admitted to trying to purposefully trigger myself by going on some not so healthy websites and reading stories of others struggling.  While part of it is positive (it helps me see how far I’ve come and feel less alone), there’s also a huge negative part to it.  I become obsessive about reading all that I can.  I still want to lose weight.  I want to be thin again.  And I haven’t been able to lose as much as I would have liked to by now.

I understand that restricting and bingeing and purging is not helping my metabolism at all.  In fact, I’m sure it’s pretty much ruined.  It makes me so angry that I’ve done this to myself, but I don’t know how else to be.  Wait–I think I kind of do.  I’ve been through programs, but they never really got through.  They taught us how to eat properly, which I already knew.  They taught us that behaviors are just the symptom, which I already knew.  They taught us healthy coping mechanisms to use instead of behaviors, which added to my arsenal.  But how do I get rid of the thoughts that propel my desire to lose weight?  How do I go from just knowing what to do to actually doing it?

How do I not want the eating disorder when I was happier when I was thinner?  When I was happy with how I looked?  When I had more confidence?  When I wasn’t afraid of taking chances?  When that was when I actually believed in myself?

And She Cries

I think I do a fairly good job of keeping up appearances when I’m not at home.  I am usually serious.  I am aware of my surroundings and I get where I need to get to.  Once there, I’ll let myself relax a little bit.  Not a lot, but some.  It’s only when I’m home where I feel I can really let the wall down and truly be myself.  But something has changed within the past couple of day.

I feel like I’ve gotten more emotional at work, with tears ready to overflow with barely any warning.  I was texting with my best friend about recent issues between my husband and me, and my eyes just filled up.  It’s not a new issue my husband and I are having.  But for some reason, discussing it this week, just made me cry.  I’m usually very good at holding it together when I need to, but I just feel like I’m losing it.

I’m going to partially blame the heatwave this week.  It’s supposed to let up by Sunday.  And I sure hope so.  My boss and I were punchy yesterday at work.  That made everything a lot more fun.  I think the heat’s just getting to me.  At least in these kind of instances.  When speaking about a particular play, I was able to make valid and coherent points.  But if I have to talk about work stuff, I’m a blubbering mess.

This weekend and week ahead are the actual busy times for work.  This means, I don’t really get a break until next weekend.  The work this weekend, won’t be strenuous at all.  I just won’t be able to read for my class.  I don’t like not having enough time.  But at least we’re going to be delving into World War I and I know I have a better understanding of that than the French Revolution.

I think my sleep and eating habits are also partially to blame for my over-emotionalness.  Since I’ve been working on my midterm, I’ve worked after I get home from my class.  I’ve been pretty good about stopping at 11pm.  But then I get sidetracked and distracted and don’t actually fall asleep until midnight.  That just hurts.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I need more sleep.  And I’m fine with that.  Part is I’m still winding down from a long day, part I’m still thinking about my class and what needs to get done the rest of the week, and part is punishment.  I have to stay up late because I don’t deserve to have a good night’s sleep.  I really don’t need the 8 hours I was getting it before.  I can lower it to 5 or 6.  I can do it.  I can push through.  Uh, yeah.  So not true.  But after years and years of obeying the rules, I just do it without question.

I am restricting.  And going to my class is helping with that.  I have what could be considered “half” of a dinner before class, and I fully intend to have another “half” when I get home.  But I don’t.  It’s too late to eat now.  You’ve missed your chance.  Now you have to wait until morning.  I know what I should do.  I know what needs to be done.  But, for some reason, there’s this big huge block in between the knowing and the doing.  I either want to go ahead and do what I need to do, or not even know and live in ignorance.

I’m just tired of the battle in my head.

On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.  Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.  Not that I really did.  And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.  It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.  I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.  There’s nothing for me to do.  Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”  Like me.  Not him.  I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.

Bubbling Up

I have no words.  I can’t seem to express myself the way I want to.  There are these differing feelings just below the surface, but they’re not coming out. The words aren’t forming. I’m not even sure where to begin.

I found out last week that my midterm for my class is a take home.  It’s such a relief because I was worried how I was going to study to produce something I was proud of.  Now I can write it all out, but I’m having difficulty.  I understand the subject matter and I’ve formed my opinion.  I’m just having a difficult time getting started.  Well, I have a good intro paragraph (I think), but then I’m stuck.  Everything I’m writing isn’t good enough and I end up deleting it.  I’d like to have a rough draft done by this evening, so all I have to do is revise until it’s due on Thursday.  But if I don’t get anything done today, then I won’t have anything to revise and I’ll be stressed and struggling to finish it in the evenings.  I don’t want that.

Part of my worry is that I’m not smart enough to get this done.  While I’m pretty sure this isn’t true, I’m still doubting my abilities.  More likely, this is difficult because I haven’t had to really write anything in the past 10 years.  Not anything that’s going to be graded anyway.  I’m just out of practice.  I know it will become easier the longer I’m in school.  But there’s still that part that this is how it’s going to be from now on.  I’ve already used up my writing talents when I went through school in the first time.  What makes me think I can do it again?

I took my new medicine for the first time yesterday.  I didn’t experience any side effects, so that’s positive.  And my digestive issues were greatly decreased, which is great.  It’s just what I wanted, but…  I was consciously restricting because I knew I wasn’t going to have the issues anymore, so there wasn’t going to be any compensation.  I’m going to gain weight.  I don’t want to gain anymore weight.  And that’s what the scale showed this morning.

I  logically know that my weight is going to fluctuate day to day.  It’s not supposed to stay the same.  But I still don’t like that the numbers went up.  And now I feel like doing whatever I can to get the numbers to go back down.  I know I can’t do that.  It will really interfere with my school work and life, but the thoughts are still there.  Some of the follow through is still there.  And I’m not sure what to do.

I just don’t know what to do.

Except get back to trying to get my midterm done.

please…

For some reason I’ve really been struggling with the eating disorder quite a bit the past couple of days.  I know what I’m supposed to do.  I know I need to eat, sleep, etc. but I find myself obeying the eating disorder more and more.  I’m restricting.  And I’m doing it under the pretense that “smaller meals will lessen my digestive issues.”

The anxiety that I had at the beginning of the week is still around.  I just feel like “having anxiety” is not a good enough excuse to have it.  I feel like I should have a reason for being so anxious.  (I know that’s not how it works.  I just wish it did.)  I was slightly nervous about seeing the new doc.  That went well.  Something finally clicked in class the other night and the way I’m reading the material is correct and works for me.  Plus, our midterm is a take home essay, and the final will not be cumulative.  All of this is great.  But my anxiety just holds on.

I know some of it has to do with sleep and the fact that I’m probably not getting enough.  One of the punishments from the eating disorder is to stay up late, even though I’m tired, and force myself to make it through the next day tired; only to stay up late again.  And that cycle just continues until I fall asleep when I just can’t help myself.

I’m finally doing something that I like (going to school) and I just have the eating disorder rearing its ugly head, dictating rules and handing out punishments.  I don’t want to keep going like this.  I’m tired of excusing everything because of “digestive issues” or “school.”  Can’t I just take a break?

School and the E.D.

I’m taking a much needed study break.  I’ve been up to my eyeballs in the Enlightenment and the French Revolution.  Going back to school is a much more difficult task than I envisioned it to be.  Well, I knew it was going to be difficult, but didn’t quite realize to what extent.  The material isn’t difficult to understand, as I do have some knowledge in European history after the Enlightenment, but it’s just bit more tedious.  All the reading is making my head spin.  And I’ve realized that I read a lot faster when I’m reading for pleasure, regardless of my initial level of understanding of the material.  But all in all, I am enjoying being studious.  I love learning.

I just wish that the eating disordered thought wouldn’t creep in so much.  In the middle of reading an article, I find myself staring off and adding up the calories I’ve consumed, or about to consume.  There’s no relief.  Just a whole bunch of numbers in my head.  Then there are all the thoughts about food.  What I’ve had, what I’m going to have, what I would really like to have.  And the thoughts about my and my body.  I’m too fat.  Not smart enough.  Not working hard enough.  These thoughts are a plague on my brain.

This morning I found myself negotiating to eat breakfast.  This in and of itself is not new.  It’s the way I operate.  But I had something new to add to the table.  I couldn’t eat breakfast (no matter how hungry I might have been) unless I did at least an hour’s worth of studying.  It’s just one stipulation after another.  I can’t take a break until I’ve read the next chapter.  I have to get through the next 10 pages before I can get something to drink.  It’s just on and on like that.  There’s no respite.  And on one hand while I’m used to the negotiating, now there’s something new being thrown on the table and it’s taking me a bit to get used to it.

I don’t want to give up going to school.  I really don’t.  I think I’ve finally figured out my scholastic path (assuming grants and scholarships are given) and I’m really looking forward to it.  After a decade of kind of knowing what I want to do, then debating it, I can see it now.  But I also see the eating disorder blocking my path.  And I don’t know if I can do it with the eating disorder there.  I know ways of working around it, but I also know how much harder that is.  And the proof is in this past weekend.  Who knows how much of the reading I’ll actually remember?  But I do know that I will remember every morsel of food that passed my lips and my weight each morning.

I’m just frustrated.