Not Doing Enough

I slept most of the day away, the weekend in fact.  And I’m still tired.

I really should have been reading.  I need to finish this book for my literature class.  And write a paper for Thursday.

I’m trying really hard not to feel guilty about sleeping.  My body obviously needed it, otherwise I wouldn’t have slept at all or for that long.  It’s just really hard not to feel guilty when I know I’m capable of doing so much more.

Yes, I work and go to school.  But it’s only two classes.  I should be able to handle this.  There are some people who work and take three or four classes.  Now, that’s stressful. I don’t even have a high stress job.

I should have been cleaning my apartment because my mom is coming to visit next weekend.  I’m sure she’ll find something to complain about the state of my apartment.  It’s just hard when I feel like I’m doing the best I can, but I know I can do better.  And this will just be reinforced by my mother.

I want to do more.  I need to do more.  Then I won’t be stuck in my head so much.

I need that escape.

Holding On

Oh my goodness.  It’s a little before 1:00pm here and I still haven’t finished my essay that’s due today at 6:00pm.  This is the same essay that was due last week.  I hadn’t finished it and told my instructor what had happened.  She gave me an extension until this week to get it done.  I’m really appreciative because she could have just said, “too bad,” and lowered my grade.  But I’m still struggling with getting it finished.  I have 2.5 pages out of 5 done.  And it’s really bad writing.  I’m so not happy with it.  And I hate to say it, but at this point, I just don’t care.  I just want the damn thing done.

I just want to be able to go home and take a nap.  Right now.  Please.

Or at least just lie in bed with my puppy.

I just need the weekend to come.

I felt like I have a firm grasp on the box labeled “emotions.”  But now I feel like I’m starting to lose it.  I’ll be fine one minute, then about ready to burst into tears the next.  I’d really rather not come into work each day.  Actually, I’d really rather not wake up so early each morning.

More Than I’d Like to Admit

I am hurting.

Yes, things were going downhill for a while. Yes, I asked him to leave. Yes, I know it was the right thing and I will be okay.

But I’m still hurting.

And I’m exhausted.

I just wish I could sleep. For a week. At least.

I try to go bed early. But I end up watching tv or my thoughts take over. And the next thing I know it’s almost midnight. Then the alarm goes off. And it’s just too early. I lie in bed contemplating whether or not to take the day off work. But going to work always wins out. If I want to take the week off after thanksgiving, then I need to go to work. What will I do if I stay at home? Watch dvd’s, since he took cable and internet? Why should I waste a day doing absolutely nothing? And going to work will get me out of the house.

I have my literature class tonight. There’s a paper that’s due. I just can’t bring myself to write it. I’ve tried. Somewhat. I have an opening paragraph. That’s all. I keep telling myself that I’ll do it, but I can’t seem to get to it. I’ve convinced myself that I’m willing to hand it in late and get a lower grade. Maybe I am.

I totally binged on dinner last night. It was like old times. I hadn’t even realized I had done it until the food was gone. I tried to rationalize that I was legitimately hungry, especially since I’ve been unconsciously restricting since the weekend. I felt so sick after. And I started feeling really anxious. About the food, the separation, the undone homework. It just all seems like too much. I wanted so badly to purge. But I didn’t let myself. Part punishment, part exhaustion.

I’m just trying to keep it together. And I don’t know how much longer I can.

And She Cries

I think I do a fairly good job of keeping up appearances when I’m not at home.  I am usually serious.  I am aware of my surroundings and I get where I need to get to.  Once there, I’ll let myself relax a little bit.  Not a lot, but some.  It’s only when I’m home where I feel I can really let the wall down and truly be myself.  But something has changed within the past couple of day.

I feel like I’ve gotten more emotional at work, with tears ready to overflow with barely any warning.  I was texting with my best friend about recent issues between my husband and me, and my eyes just filled up.  It’s not a new issue my husband and I are having.  But for some reason, discussing it this week, just made me cry.  I’m usually very good at holding it together when I need to, but I just feel like I’m losing it.

I’m going to partially blame the heatwave this week.  It’s supposed to let up by Sunday.  And I sure hope so.  My boss and I were punchy yesterday at work.  That made everything a lot more fun.  I think the heat’s just getting to me.  At least in these kind of instances.  When speaking about a particular play, I was able to make valid and coherent points.  But if I have to talk about work stuff, I’m a blubbering mess.

This weekend and week ahead are the actual busy times for work.  This means, I don’t really get a break until next weekend.  The work this weekend, won’t be strenuous at all.  I just won’t be able to read for my class.  I don’t like not having enough time.  But at least we’re going to be delving into World War I and I know I have a better understanding of that than the French Revolution.

I think my sleep and eating habits are also partially to blame for my over-emotionalness.  Since I’ve been working on my midterm, I’ve worked after I get home from my class.  I’ve been pretty good about stopping at 11pm.  But then I get sidetracked and distracted and don’t actually fall asleep until midnight.  That just hurts.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I need more sleep.  And I’m fine with that.  Part is I’m still winding down from a long day, part I’m still thinking about my class and what needs to get done the rest of the week, and part is punishment.  I have to stay up late because I don’t deserve to have a good night’s sleep.  I really don’t need the 8 hours I was getting it before.  I can lower it to 5 or 6.  I can do it.  I can push through.  Uh, yeah.  So not true.  But after years and years of obeying the rules, I just do it without question.

I am restricting.  And going to my class is helping with that.  I have what could be considered “half” of a dinner before class, and I fully intend to have another “half” when I get home.  But I don’t.  It’s too late to eat now.  You’ve missed your chance.  Now you have to wait until morning.  I know what I should do.  I know what needs to be done.  But, for some reason, there’s this big huge block in between the knowing and the doing.  I either want to go ahead and do what I need to do, or not even know and live in ignorance.

I’m just tired of the battle in my head.

On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.  Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.  Not that I really did.  And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.  It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.  I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.  There’s nothing for me to do.  Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”  Like me.  Not him.  I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.

please…

For some reason I’ve really been struggling with the eating disorder quite a bit the past couple of days.  I know what I’m supposed to do.  I know I need to eat, sleep, etc. but I find myself obeying the eating disorder more and more.  I’m restricting.  And I’m doing it under the pretense that “smaller meals will lessen my digestive issues.”

The anxiety that I had at the beginning of the week is still around.  I just feel like “having anxiety” is not a good enough excuse to have it.  I feel like I should have a reason for being so anxious.  (I know that’s not how it works.  I just wish it did.)  I was slightly nervous about seeing the new doc.  That went well.  Something finally clicked in class the other night and the way I’m reading the material is correct and works for me.  Plus, our midterm is a take home essay, and the final will not be cumulative.  All of this is great.  But my anxiety just holds on.

I know some of it has to do with sleep and the fact that I’m probably not getting enough.  One of the punishments from the eating disorder is to stay up late, even though I’m tired, and force myself to make it through the next day tired; only to stay up late again.  And that cycle just continues until I fall asleep when I just can’t help myself.

I’m finally doing something that I like (going to school) and I just have the eating disorder rearing its ugly head, dictating rules and handing out punishments.  I don’t want to keep going like this.  I’m tired of excusing everything because of “digestive issues” or “school.”  Can’t I just take a break?

Insomnia

I couldn’t sleep last night. It was rough. I spent over 3 hours trying to sleep and I really paid for it today.

I was anxious all day. I could barely concentrate. I get really bad anxiety when I don’t sleep well so I really try to get enough. The anxiety made finishing up my studying a bit more difficult, but I still managed to get through it.

And I was anxious for therapy. Not to mention we spoke about anxiety provoking things. So now I’m just super tired. I still have some reading to do, but I’m planning in being gentle with myself tonight.

I need to do whatever I can to lower my anxiety level. And going to bed early will help with that. Hopefully, the anxiety will be less tomorrow.