I think I’m starting to see how much the eating disorder really is taking over my thoughts. Yesterday’s post was meant to weigh the pros and cons of the options I have. Not a rant of recovery versus staying in the eating disorder. I guess I never quite realized how much and how loud they are. There is no room for anything else.
Just last night, I had to rattle off a long list of stuff to my husband so I could get it out of my head. And I’m sure I forgot a few things.
I want room in my head for other things. I want to seriously debate the pros and cons of my options. I have 3 possible options now, and all of them are positive and I smile when I think about them. But I wonder what it would be like to have more opportunities like that.
How can I plan to possibly go to school, if the only thing going through my head are the eating disorder thoughts?
How would I be able to start a new job, if the only thing going through my head are the eating disorder thoughts?
By the afternoon, I can barely remember what I’ve read in the morning. If I can’t do that, how would I be able to study for exams and be proficient in what I hope you be a new career for me? How can I have confidence in learning a new computer system and add different responsibilities? How can I include other things in my life without having the eating disorder take over?
I know what needs to be done. I know I need to talk to my therapist and husband. I know I need to eat. I know all this. I just can’t seem to get past the block in my mind to actually do it. I can kinda do what’s needs to be done. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going, but the thoughts are still there.
Screaming at me to stop.
Throwing a fit when I disobey.
Punishments appear out of this air.
Do this. Do that.
I’ll do anything to quiet the noise in my head.
It’s just getting to be too much.
I know I have both good days and bad days. And days in between. I just feel like I’m really struggling to make it through each day with out stopping and crying.
I want to think about something else and not have my thoughts wander back to the eating disorder.