Another Year Passes

The end of 2014 is upon us. Another year has just flown by. I can still remember sitting at my dest in February wondering how I was going to make it through my spring semester classes. And here I am, challenging myself by becoming a full time student and excelling.

I continue to be appreciative of my job. I know I have it good there. The work is not stressful. My office is close to school. And there is downtime a couple of times a year where I can get school work done during working hours.

It was my goal last year to talk more this year. I’ve kind of done that. Occasionally. But my silence has been loud and pushed some away.

I’m learning new things about myself. That’s a life long process.

So, here’s to 2015. I hope to:
~ Continue to enjoy the classes I’m taking
~ Work to my full potential in both work and school
~ Talk more/write more/communicate my true feelings more
~ Lose weight the way I want to

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Just Getting Through

I am so bored right now that I started taking pictures at my desk. I feel too guilty reading the book for my literature class, so I just have it sitting there taunting me.

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I’m so bored right now. But I’m going to take it and run with. It’s better than being anxious and on edge.

I ended up going and staying for my sociology class. I’m glad I did. I got to talk to classmates and really tried to concentrate. I did find myself zoning out a few times, but I’m okay with that. It’s not material I don’t already know and regardless, I think I was engaged about 75% of the time. I’m pretty proud of myself for that. Plus, my test god pushed back a week. That really helps because I was worried I was going to have to pull double duty with studying for the test and writing my lit paper for next week. Now I just have to concentrate on my paper. 🙂

I got home last night and was really agitated and frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to do anything or even really watch anything. I was unpacking a box my parents had sent and just started throwing stuff out of the box. I was just so angry. And I broke down. I didn’t want to cry. I had been holding it together fairly well. I had managed to stop any tears from falling earlier, but I just couldn’t stop last night. I eventually managed to pull myself together. I don’t like losing control when I haven’t scheduled it.

I have a book to finish by tomorrow (which isn’t happening, but I’m going to try), a paper that’s due next Thursday, and a test the Tuesday after that. Then I’m looking at Thanksgiving and then finals. I can’t break down until after finals. I just have to keep going until then. Just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day.

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And this is the view from my desk. It’s always fun looking out at the cement wall of the building next door.

And She Cries

I think I do a fairly good job of keeping up appearances when I’m not at home.  I am usually serious.  I am aware of my surroundings and I get where I need to get to.  Once there, I’ll let myself relax a little bit.  Not a lot, but some.  It’s only when I’m home where I feel I can really let the wall down and truly be myself.  But something has changed within the past couple of day.

I feel like I’ve gotten more emotional at work, with tears ready to overflow with barely any warning.  I was texting with my best friend about recent issues between my husband and me, and my eyes just filled up.  It’s not a new issue my husband and I are having.  But for some reason, discussing it this week, just made me cry.  I’m usually very good at holding it together when I need to, but I just feel like I’m losing it.

I’m going to partially blame the heatwave this week.  It’s supposed to let up by Sunday.  And I sure hope so.  My boss and I were punchy yesterday at work.  That made everything a lot more fun.  I think the heat’s just getting to me.  At least in these kind of instances.  When speaking about a particular play, I was able to make valid and coherent points.  But if I have to talk about work stuff, I’m a blubbering mess.

This weekend and week ahead are the actual busy times for work.  This means, I don’t really get a break until next weekend.  The work this weekend, won’t be strenuous at all.  I just won’t be able to read for my class.  I don’t like not having enough time.  But at least we’re going to be delving into World War I and I know I have a better understanding of that than the French Revolution.

I think my sleep and eating habits are also partially to blame for my over-emotionalness.  Since I’ve been working on my midterm, I’ve worked after I get home from my class.  I’ve been pretty good about stopping at 11pm.  But then I get sidetracked and distracted and don’t actually fall asleep until midnight.  That just hurts.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I need more sleep.  And I’m fine with that.  Part is I’m still winding down from a long day, part I’m still thinking about my class and what needs to get done the rest of the week, and part is punishment.  I have to stay up late because I don’t deserve to have a good night’s sleep.  I really don’t need the 8 hours I was getting it before.  I can lower it to 5 or 6.  I can do it.  I can push through.  Uh, yeah.  So not true.  But after years and years of obeying the rules, I just do it without question.

I am restricting.  And going to my class is helping with that.  I have what could be considered “half” of a dinner before class, and I fully intend to have another “half” when I get home.  But I don’t.  It’s too late to eat now.  You’ve missed your chance.  Now you have to wait until morning.  I know what I should do.  I know what needs to be done.  But, for some reason, there’s this big huge block in between the knowing and the doing.  I either want to go ahead and do what I need to do, or not even know and live in ignorance.

I’m just tired of the battle in my head.

On Edge

I had a panic attack this morning at Starbucks waiting for my coffee.  Not cool.

I had my digestive issues again today because I consciously didn’t take my meds.  Really not cool.

But at least I can eat a fairly normal lunch.  Not that I really did.  And not that I don’t feel guilty, because I do.  It was just nice to have the thought.

Once again, I am procrastinating writing my essay for my midterm.  Say it with me now, not cool.

I have half a mind to just go straight home today after work, instead of to class.  With my full intention being to work on my midterm, but I know I would just procrastinate then go to bed early.

I should have stayed home from work today.  I felt the anxiety creeping in, but I felt I could push myself through it.

I didn’t sleep as much as I should have last night.  I was up (punishing myself) procrastinating.

I don’t want to be here at work right now.  There’s nothing for me to do.  Well, no actual work anyway.

Yesterday, therapy probably touched on a few issues I would rather not have it touch.  I was fairly honest with her.  I still could have said more.

I get really peeved when my husband says “we”, but it’s really an “I.”  Like me.  Not him.  I would still get irritated, but not quite as much, or in the same way.

I just want to go to sleep.  Or escape for a while.  With no phone, no computer, nothing.

Singing the Monday Blues

I am so not happy that today is Monday.  I don’t want it to be Monday.  Well, it can be Monday, but I don’t want to have to acknowledge it’s Monday.  I just want to go back to the weekend where I can procrastinate working on my paper some more.  Actually, that’s not true.  I did work on it quite a bit.  I have the short answers done.  I’m just working on the long essay.  I did email my professor to ask if I can focus on one major time period.  He said it was fine as long as I state exactly that.  I’m relieved about that.  I think part of me was just anxious that the essay could have such a broad response that I was a bit overwhelmed about writing it.  Now that I’m able to focus in on a particular year, it’s going to be much better.

I was meant to write some of my essay today.  But I haven’t even gotten to it yet.  Other things are getting in the way.  I just wish I could snap my fingers and it would get done.

I want to go back to sleep.  This heat wave is suffocating.  I don’t feel well at all.

The scale went up again this morning.  I’m not happy about that.  I didn’t want to eat lunch, but I felt I had to.  And now I feel so guilty for eating.  I feel like I could have held out longer.  I should have held out longer.  I should walk home to make up for it.  At least I’ll be walking to therapy.  That should make up for some of it.  I just want it all gone.

I fell like a complete spoiled brat.  Here I am complaining about writing a midterm, the heat, and myself.  I should be grateful I have any of those.  I really should.  I just need to suck it up and keep going.  I can do this.

All Over the Place

I’m feeling a bit disheveled today. A bit overwhelmed too. And I really don’t like feeling that way. I get really uncomfortable and heavily rely on the eating disorder to help me get through.

I met with an admissions counselor last week about going back to school. One of the great things about NYC is that the majority of the universities offer a continuing education program for working adults. He said if I get all my paperwork in on time, I could potentially start a class on July 2. It’s exciting, but overwhelming. I haven’t been in a proper class in 10 years. And right now, I’m just waiting for my transcripts to arrive. I hate the waiting game.

One of the two busy times at work is about to start. It’s not really super stressful, just tedious. And I have an awesome boss who doesn’t pressure me. I’ll be the one to pressure myself. This is the seventh time I will have done this, but I still get nervous. Once the prep time is over I’ll be able to relax. And it’s totally worth it because I’ll have the office basically to myself for six weeks.

I need to work really hard on recovery. I need to work on really taking care of myself. Since my grandmother left, it’s been difficult to do so. I fall so easily back into old behaviors. I don’t even have to think about it–it just happens. Right now, I don’t want that to happen. If I want to excel in school, I can’t spend all of my time inside my eating disorder.

I did take a very proactive step last week, too. I am going to see another gastroenterologist. An acquaintance of mine is going through the same thing and her doc gave her some meds. I understand mine wanting to find the cause first, but I just can’t continue like this taking test after test with no end in sight. So I’ll see what this one says.

Even with our ups and downs, frustrations and easiness, I do love my husband. It’s just been hard, really hard, now that I don’t get to see him all that much. I know this is normal, but it’s such a change from when he was unemployed and home all the time. I’m grateful and happy that he has found a job he loves, I just miss him. It’s hard.

There’s a lot of change coming up. I don’t do well with change. I know things change and that change is the only constant, but I’m still not a fan. I don’t want to use the eating disorder to get me through it. There is more out there. (at least, this is how i feel today.)

Knowing my Worth

My head is an interesting place to be.  Most days, I don’t think I’m worth very much; that I’m just a piece of lard that hasn’t done anything, isn’t doing anything, and won’t do anything.  I’m really hard on myself.  I know what I’m capable of.  But I also know what is acceptable/passable by society.  So, why do more than just that?  Because there are only a few scenarios in which “doing more” is appreciated.  (I put in quotes because what society considers doing more is what I consider a normal amount.)

I know I’m a bit of a perfectionist.  I know I like to have a lot to do.  That’s when I feel truly useful.  So when I don’t feel like I’m working at my full potential, I don’t feel useful.  It’s just the way I’m wired.

However, after all that, I can say with confidence that I do good work.  I know I can turn out a good product.  I know I’m professional.  If I don’t know something, I’ll ask.  Not for someone else to do it, but so I’ll be able to do it next time.  I know I’m diligent in my work.  I don’t want to turn in anything with errors.  I’ll triple check my work.  And if I’m still unsure, I’ll make sure my boss knows this.  I don’t say no to my boss until I’ve tried something 10 times and I still can’t get it.  I like working hard.  It gives me a sense of satisfaction.

Which is why it was so very disappointing when I heard the salary being offered for the new job I was interviewing for.  When the CEO told me, I tried very hard not to let my jaw drop.  For the amount of work in the job description, it’s low.  For New York City, it’s low.  For someone not coming in as an entry level worker, it’s low.  To me, the offer was a tad insulting.

I understand she runs a non profit and all budgets must be approved by the board.  However, her tax info is up on Guide Star, so I know how much she makes and how much the foundation is making.  I understand there needs to be enough money to cover the current employees and any new ones, plus the programming itself, but I just can’t possibly believe that the others are being paid so little.

I would love to work with this NGO.  I think they do important work.  But I also know the work I do (and to an extent–me) is excellent and needs to be valued as such.  With a heavy heart, I think I’m going to have to respectfully, yet regretfully, decline the position.

And a new adventure with school awaits.