It’s been quite some time since I’ve put words out there in the universe. It’s only when I see the words on the screen, or on paper, that they become real. I actually have to admit what’s really going on. And sometimes I don’t want to. I don’t want to deal with stuff. I’d rather avoid it. Because if I avoid it, then it doesn’t really exist, right? Right. But I can’t run from certain things anymore.
It’s been about a week and a half now since my grandmother passed away. My heart aches so much. She was my beacon of light. My grandmother was the best person in my life. She taught me so many wonderful things. I don’t allow myself to think about her too much because I start to choke on my tears. The pain of her not being in my life is too much.
Every once in a while I still get a piece a piece of mail with my ex’s name on it. It throws me for a loop and back into the place where I blame myself for everything.
I figured out that I’m jealous of my best friend. And my therapist. Different reasons, same feelings inside. I don’t like feeling jealous.
I don’t like feeling.
I just want to be numb. I just want to binge and purge my way through my break from work and school. I just want to sit and not feel anything.
But I can’t even do that because m mother is visiting. She’s in my way. Constantly wanting to know what I’m doing and if I’m okay. I don’t like it when anyone invades my space like that. It makes me want to shut down.
The only thing I’m looking forward to is school starting next semester. Then I can be busy again. Then I’ll know how to spend my evenings and weekends.
Until then, I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and maybe I’ll be able to breathe a bit easier one of these days.
From Possibility to Actuality 